6-9-10

Well tonight my husband leaves me forever. Okay, for three days, but what's the difference? He's heading to Utah for a backpacking trip with his scouts. Where are the wives when these men are planning their getaways? Nobody asked me if it was a good idea. We'll miss him, but Easton's excited because he gets to have a sleepover in the the big bed with mommy. Teagan's not invited cause he's a nut when he sleeps.

I'm so annoyed cause I went to the pool today and remembered to grab my camera as we were walking out the door, and then I got to the pool and left the camera in my car. Blasted. One day I'll get pictures there.

I've been having a bit of trouble coming off this darn medication I've been on for 3 years. After Easton was born I suffered from MAJOR anxiety, to the point that I couldn't function or even remotely enjoy life. I was miserable. So after a year of dealing with that, not even enjoying Easton's first year of life, I went on medication. It worked wonders for my happiness, and I felt like myself again after a few months of getting the dosage right where I needed it to be. But I gained 40 lbs gradually that I just could not keep off. Every time I've tried to come off the medication I've been good for a few weeks, and then the anxiety and panic and depression will just come pouring back. I haven't tried to come off it for a long time, and now I've been off it for about a month. I've been doing okay but not terrific, and I've been really trying some natural products and methods so that I can rid my body of this anxiety for good. Don't get me wrong - the medication was my saving grace, and I'm so grateful to know that if all else fails, there's always that happy pill to do the job. I'd just prefer that my body chemicals would get back to working properly and actually be able to fix the problem instead of just getting rid of the symptoms. And I hate that I've gained all this weight on it. I could always try a different medication, but it's not guaranteed to make me feel good and not cause weight gain. Some people don't gain weight on their anti-depressants, but I did. So hopefully I can stay off it, but if not, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father led me to a medication that helps me to feel like me again and makes life worth living.

The nice thing this time about trying to come off the medication is that I have a husband that supports me and helps to bear the burden of the feelings that I have even if he doesn't understand them. I know it's hard to understand what someone is feeling if you've never felt it and if it seems like those feelings are unjustified. And mine are, but I have them nevertheless. What made it so hard with Adam was that he wasn't there emotionally, he didn't care, didn't understand, and didn't WANT to understand. It didn't hurt him when I cried in my bed - it was a nuisance to him, something to disrupt his day on the golf course. I'm not writing this to talk bad about him but rather to point out that I have it so much better now. Jacob doesn't understand it, but he tries, and he hurts when I hurt, and I can feel his concern for my well-being and not just his own. So when I have a bad day, he may not be able to take my anxiety away but he can lift the burden of feeling like I have to do this on my own and hide it from my husband. I'm so grateful to have this man beside me to actually be beside me through everything I face in life so that it's no longer what I face but what WE face. That is one of my greatest blessings.

Just a couple of pictures of the boys hanging out tonight and Jacob getting ready to leave.