Me and E

Easton loves to take pictures with his mama. He's so my little sweetheart.

Some Recent Photos

New Tricks

Today, Teagers was crawling/scooting on his belly to grab some toys and went from crawling to sitting on his bottom all on his own. I felt so accomplished, as if I taught him this adorable new trick. Such a big boy. Love it. And the past two nights he didn't have to be bounced to sleep. I just put him to bed, he cried a few minutes, and was out. He's also been sleeping through the night. I'm sleeping in the other room so I don't hear his every noise, and I shoulda done that long ago cause I think he woulda been sleeping through the night months ago. But if I heard a peep I'd get him up and feed him a bottle. No more of that silly business. And Easton won't stop picking his nose until it bleeds. What's a mother to do about that?

Easton's Latest

Easton: "Mom I want to pend the night at Ashyee's house."
Me: "No, honey I want you to stay here with me cuz I'll miss you too much."
Easton: "But I don't yike dis house. I yike Ashyee's."
Me: "What's wrong with our house?"
Easton: "It's black and green (no, it isn't). And da fan on da ceiling is old."

Me: "Easton, why do you have this dinasour?"
Easton: "Because I SOTLE it!"
Me: "I told you not to steal. Stealing is wrong. Why did you steal it?"
Easton: "Because I YUV it!"

Easton: "Oh what is dat? Can I have a bite?"
Me: "It's cereal. You want to taste it and see if you like it?"
Easton after tasting it: "Mmmmm! I yike it. Dat's good. You not fired no more."

Clarity and Belssings in Disguise

It doesn't get any better than this picture. These are the amazingly flawless, untainted little boys I get to cuddle with every morning. Do you see Easton's arm around his little brother? That's what happens every day during our morning cuddle. Easton's sweet words to his brother: "I yuv you, Seegan. You da best." It's so precious that he misses his brother during the night. I am so in love with these boys. How it is that I was blessed to be their mother I'm not quite sure. I feel so inadequate at times - afraid that I won't do enough or teach them enough about who they need to be and what matters in life. I feel an over-anxiety about their welfare since I am primarily responsible for who they will become. That is such a huge responsibility. I know that inevitably they will act for themselves and make their own choices, but it's up to me to give them the tools they need to become men of integrity. I want to teach them to be genuinely, honestly, truly good - I want them to be filled with goodness.

This year has been one long, exhausting experience. I have felt such failure, or more so the inability to provide my boys with the stable and functional home I know that they deserve. My poor innocent boys are too young to know how to make lemonade out of life's lemons. I have had my heart broken by the pure and simple comments of my three year old about moms and dads loving each other and living together. One would think that he would be too young to comprehend what goes on around him other than the latest happenings on Spongebob. But I am often surprised at just how much he gets things. When I told him I was going on a date he excitedly asked me, "You going with Daddy?!" I wanted to curse at the world that very moment for the evil that exists in it and the ability that evil has to tear down the family.

Within every mother, or at least the majority of good mothers, there is an innate and undeniable inclination to protect their babies from anything indecent or ugly. I wish I could forever guard my boys from bad things and anything that might corrupt or enslave them. I think I may just lock them up. Parents say that all the time, but I may just mean it. Hide them like hermits inside this house. They'd thank me in the end, right? I know, I know - they need experiences, a chance to choose good over evil, yadda yadda yadda. Agency is so over-rated. Hahaha. Especially when it is used to make bad choices.

This weekend I have had plenty of moments of clarity. I think it is easy for a woman to get caught up in being the best, the prettiest, the thinnest, the most desirable. And if we aren't all of those things according to the world'd definitions, then what are we? I have had that idea of myself for the last year, and given my circumstances everyone tells me it's understandable. I have spent a lot of time saying, "Was I thrown away because of this or this or this? Was I not enough? Did I not lose my baby weight fast enough?" I know they're ridiculous thoughts when I say them out loud, but it's easy to listen to the negative things we think about ourselves and to internalize them as truths about who we really are. I have been caught up in putting off liking or loving myself until I've reached certain goals or accomplishments, and there has been such a ridiculous amount of wasted time invested in hating myself. I often say - not consciously - that I will love myself when I finish losing my baby weight. THEN I'll be happy. THEN I'll have something to offer someone. What ridiculous thoughts, right? But I'm not the only one that has those kind of thoughts. I know it because I've talked to other women that think the same things, and when they tell me they think that I say to myself, "She's great. Why would she ever think that? She's way better than me." That's just plain dumb. As women we can be so quick to recognize the worth of souls and to see the amazing talents and abilities of all the other women around us. But when it comes to recognizing our OWN worth or seeing beauty inside and out of ourselves, we're just plain senseless. I don't want to be senseless anymore. I don't want to be amazing because anybody else said so, but simply because God said I am and because I believe it.

Also, in these low times this year, it has been easy and almost automatic to assume that life just sucks and I got screwed. But due to recent events in my life, events that I first saw as great trials and horrible transpirings, I'm coming to see that blessings are lurking in disguise. Perhaps the failed marriage will give way to the one I never imagined. It's easy to see today's failings, to say that I got the exact opposite of what I wanted. But I bet God, in his infinite wisdom, looks down at me and says, "Oh, Rachel, give me a little bit of credit. You aren't getting the short end of the deal here. Just wait until you see the surprise I have in store for you tomorrow. It's a big one and you're gonna thank me for replacing the old, semi-functioning things with these shiny new ones." I'm positive it's really like that, and I just don't see it yet. Better things are ahead. Not just better things, but the best things. It is never required of us to settle for anything less than the absolute best.

Mostly, I know what matters are the two little boys drooling on their pillows as I type these words. What matters is what I teach them and how much I love them. Who invented the word "love" anyway? It's hardly adequate to say what I feel about my boys. Someone should invent a new word for what moms feel about their children, a word bigger and better than love. Because that's what I'd say: "I new-word-bigger-than-love my children" :).

The Goings On (Seriously, I hate titling my posts)

Let's see (I'm trying to be better about this blog thing. It's just such a chore.) - What have we been up to? Besides wiping the bugers from my two snotty-nosed sick boys, I went to Utah from Wednesday to Friday to shoot a wedding. I stayed with a good friend (thanks, Nicole!) from Meridian that relocated to the Salt Lake area, but I didn't get to spend much time with her since the wedding kept me busy. The bride and groom were a blast, but we had to fight the darn hurricane for good pics. We got some, though. Those will be put on my photoblog one day. I'm so busy with editing from the wedding, a family shoot, and newborn pics, and I have to get them all done within 2 weeks and design a book for the wedding. My trusty old computer and I will have some late nights together - closest I'm going to get to any romance for a while. Hahaha.

Anyhoo, back to the gym tomorrow if I can just get there. Why is it that life with two children is so different than my life when I was a childless single? Just getting places seems like an accomplishment now. Just peeing by myself without someone crawling all over me or needing food is like a major bonus. And that's only with 2 kids! All you nuts out there with more than two kids, I salute you. My kids are my life - love them more than everything else. But there are days, or just perhaps moments throughout my days, where I don't want to be the mom. And I want to say, Easton, make your own food. Teagan, get up and make your own bottle. Someone else tell Easton that "stupid" is a bad word. Someone else teach him to be nice. Someone else worry about Easton spilling something somewhere that he shouldn't. Does that make me a bad mom that I sometimes think those things? It's just entirely dependent upon mothers to take care of their children - and that's a huge responsibility when you sit and think about it. So sometimes I can't paint my toes when I want to or go to the gym when I need to. Such is motherhood, I suppose. I wouldn't trade it, not ever, but it's nice to get a break too (thanks, Mom, for giving me breaks).

My boys never cease to be the best things in my life, though. Easton is hilarious - he's always got something clever or witty or creative to tell me about. Or just a smart-alec comment that I try not to laugh at because it's bad parenting to laugh at the naughty things your children say. From the million times a day he un-friends me to telling me he doesn't "want to be yow(low) anymorn" to the bad guys he tells me not to let get me when I leave the house, he just makes me smile. Today, when I got home from church he looked at me and said, "Mom, I yike your shirt. It's cute. You so cute, Mom." It was a new shirt that he was appparently a fan of. He tells me daily, "You have a cute mouth. And cute eyes." Sometimes I think, Who needs a husband when I've got these two little gems to make me happy? I could just devour them when they aren't bugging me :).

Today I went to a Singles Ward for the first time since the BIG D. It was fine, nothing fantastic. There seemed to be a lot of single people there :). I'll keep going there, I suppose, since I'm kinda one of them (but kinda not when you add the two kids into the mix). Maybe I'll one day get my moves back. Teagan came with me and Easton went to church with my mom so that he can be with other kids. It's weird to be back here in this place in my life again. Not fond of the whole dating thing and all the nonsense involved in it. But I'll manage. Easton says I need a boy. But I remind him I've got the two that I need right here.

Sorry, no pics for this post - just my thoughts for the day. I can't really take pics of my thoughts.

My 6 month old Cutie!

What a cheese ball. A slobbery, gummy, cheese ball.

Getting Around

The Teagster has begun crawling. He's kinda been scooting and semi-crawling for a few weeks, but now he's actually moving one leg forward followed by the other. So it's like a real genuine crawl now. But he doesn't do it more than a few crawls, so I feel like by the end of the week he might really take off. This is the stage when I really start loving my kids. Well, not loving, but really liking - I always love them. Babies are cute and soft and all, but I like them to do tricks. So now is when Teagan truly starts becoming so much fun. It is SO my favorite to see his little booty up in the air ready to move around. He's practically a big boy now. Soon he'll be walking out of his mommy's life and into the world to be a grown up. And then he'll be a traitor just like his big brother.