Clarity and Belssings in Disguise

It doesn't get any better than this picture. These are the amazingly flawless, untainted little boys I get to cuddle with every morning. Do you see Easton's arm around his little brother? That's what happens every day during our morning cuddle. Easton's sweet words to his brother: "I yuv you, Seegan. You da best." It's so precious that he misses his brother during the night. I am so in love with these boys. How it is that I was blessed to be their mother I'm not quite sure. I feel so inadequate at times - afraid that I won't do enough or teach them enough about who they need to be and what matters in life. I feel an over-anxiety about their welfare since I am primarily responsible for who they will become. That is such a huge responsibility. I know that inevitably they will act for themselves and make their own choices, but it's up to me to give them the tools they need to become men of integrity. I want to teach them to be genuinely, honestly, truly good - I want them to be filled with goodness.

This year has been one long, exhausting experience. I have felt such failure, or more so the inability to provide my boys with the stable and functional home I know that they deserve. My poor innocent boys are too young to know how to make lemonade out of life's lemons. I have had my heart broken by the pure and simple comments of my three year old about moms and dads loving each other and living together. One would think that he would be too young to comprehend what goes on around him other than the latest happenings on Spongebob. But I am often surprised at just how much he gets things. When I told him I was going on a date he excitedly asked me, "You going with Daddy?!" I wanted to curse at the world that very moment for the evil that exists in it and the ability that evil has to tear down the family.

Within every mother, or at least the majority of good mothers, there is an innate and undeniable inclination to protect their babies from anything indecent or ugly. I wish I could forever guard my boys from bad things and anything that might corrupt or enslave them. I think I may just lock them up. Parents say that all the time, but I may just mean it. Hide them like hermits inside this house. They'd thank me in the end, right? I know, I know - they need experiences, a chance to choose good over evil, yadda yadda yadda. Agency is so over-rated. Hahaha. Especially when it is used to make bad choices.

This weekend I have had plenty of moments of clarity. I think it is easy for a woman to get caught up in being the best, the prettiest, the thinnest, the most desirable. And if we aren't all of those things according to the world'd definitions, then what are we? I have had that idea of myself for the last year, and given my circumstances everyone tells me it's understandable. I have spent a lot of time saying, "Was I thrown away because of this or this or this? Was I not enough? Did I not lose my baby weight fast enough?" I know they're ridiculous thoughts when I say them out loud, but it's easy to listen to the negative things we think about ourselves and to internalize them as truths about who we really are. I have been caught up in putting off liking or loving myself until I've reached certain goals or accomplishments, and there has been such a ridiculous amount of wasted time invested in hating myself. I often say - not consciously - that I will love myself when I finish losing my baby weight. THEN I'll be happy. THEN I'll have something to offer someone. What ridiculous thoughts, right? But I'm not the only one that has those kind of thoughts. I know it because I've talked to other women that think the same things, and when they tell me they think that I say to myself, "She's great. Why would she ever think that? She's way better than me." That's just plain dumb. As women we can be so quick to recognize the worth of souls and to see the amazing talents and abilities of all the other women around us. But when it comes to recognizing our OWN worth or seeing beauty inside and out of ourselves, we're just plain senseless. I don't want to be senseless anymore. I don't want to be amazing because anybody else said so, but simply because God said I am and because I believe it.

Also, in these low times this year, it has been easy and almost automatic to assume that life just sucks and I got screwed. But due to recent events in my life, events that I first saw as great trials and horrible transpirings, I'm coming to see that blessings are lurking in disguise. Perhaps the failed marriage will give way to the one I never imagined. It's easy to see today's failings, to say that I got the exact opposite of what I wanted. But I bet God, in his infinite wisdom, looks down at me and says, "Oh, Rachel, give me a little bit of credit. You aren't getting the short end of the deal here. Just wait until you see the surprise I have in store for you tomorrow. It's a big one and you're gonna thank me for replacing the old, semi-functioning things with these shiny new ones." I'm positive it's really like that, and I just don't see it yet. Better things are ahead. Not just better things, but the best things. It is never required of us to settle for anything less than the absolute best.

Mostly, I know what matters are the two little boys drooling on their pillows as I type these words. What matters is what I teach them and how much I love them. Who invented the word "love" anyway? It's hardly adequate to say what I feel about my boys. Someone should invent a new word for what moms feel about their children, a word bigger and better than love. Because that's what I'd say: "I new-word-bigger-than-love my children" :).