Wednesday, May 30th

Last night my little Logan slept from 10:30pm until 6:19am without waking up. I was so happy. But Teagan did get up around 2:30am saying that a bee stung his ear. I was only up for a few minutes with him, though, so that’s ok. Hopefully tonight Logan will do the same thing. I can’t believe he’s already 8 weeks old. It seems like I just had him, but then it seems like we’ve always had him too. I don’t know how it can feel like both of those things at the same time, but it does.

Yesterday, aside from all the daily tasks of cleaning and taking care of children, I did some newborn portraits for a girl in my ward, Gina,  who just had her baby 2 weeks ago. While I was doing her pictures, the boys went over to a friend’s house in our neighborhood with Gina’s boys and played on the slip n slide. After the photo session was over, I picked up the boys from our friend’s house and got them ready to head to the Waites’ home for dinner. The Waites are Joe’s girlfriend Laura’s parents. Her sister-in-law Pansy was making an Asian meal called pho (pronounced “fuh”) so they invited us all over to eat it. It’s a noodle soup, and it was delicious. Bec and Jud were also there, and we all loved it. We were still talking about it today. Laura’s dad made homemade orange ice cream that was so delicious and her mom made a Bundt cake that was equally delicious. If Joe marries Laura, and hopefully he does, I’m going to get fat just knowing her family.

After school and feeding the boys some lunch, we headed over to Becca’s to go swimming. We stayed there for a couple hours and let the kiddos play. Logan was really good to just sit in his boppy outside in the shade so that I could sit in the sun and work on my tan. Easton told me I’m the boringest mom in the world because I wouldn’t get in the pool. But I need a tan. I’m always sitting in the shade holding Logan, and since he’s a little older, he’s content to play on his own. After Bec’s house, I came home and made dinner. That’s about all that happened today. So I’m off to bed to hopefully get a few good hours of sleep. I’m grateful that Logan is sleeping better and better each week.

Monday, May28th

We just got home from Colleen’s house after a fun afternoon of BBQing and swimming. Lots of eating. I’ll start my diet tomorrow, I promise. We had a really good time except that Sadie was sick so she spent the whole time asleep on Becca’s bed. Becca’s nieces and nephews were there, so the boys still had kids to play with. I didn’t really go out to the pool at all. I was taking care of Logan, and the boys would much rather have Jacob in the pool with them than me. He’s just more fun. He doesn’t care if his hair gets wet. Easton always says, “Moms don’t get their hair wet when they swim.” I guess he thinks that all moms are that way, even though it might just  be me. And my sister. We’re not very fun. Heather and Bryan (Juddy’s sister and her hubs) were there with their kiddos, and they had a couple friends with them, and then it was just us and Joe. Becca and Juddy moved back in with Colleen and Darrell for a few months, so we’ll be going over there a bit more this summer. Anyway, we headed over there around 2pm, and we got home a half hour ago. The boys are in the garage building things. They went to Lowe’s this morning before heading to Coleen’s to get stuff for their man projects. Jacob is cute to do stuff like that with them. A few weeks ago they built a little treasure box, and today they are working on a catapult.

On Friday, the 25th, it was my and Jacob’s 1-year anniversary for our sealing. We didn’t do anything to celebrate because we’re going to celebrate our wedding day each year, but it was nice to remember that we were sealed a year ago. We went to dinner that evening with Bec and Jud, Joe and Laura, Laura’s sister Jeanna and her husband Jerry, and Laura’s sis-in-law Pansy. We already all know Pansy and her husband Jared (he was working), and I know Jeanna because she is a photographer here in Vegas, but it was nice to go out to dinner with all of them. That was the first time I saw Laura with Joe. I set them up a while ago, and they’ve really hit it off. My mom took Easton and Teagan for the night, so we took Logan with us to dinner. We went to Bucca di Beppo, a really good Italian restaurant. After Bucca, Jacob and I came back home and changed the baby since he puked all over himself and me in the restaurant, and then we headed to Laura’s parents’ house for homemade pazookies. Pansy was there with her son Nixon and Jud and Becca ended up going over too. We chatted with Laura’s parents for a bit, and after they went to bed and Pansy went home, Jacob and I stayed until 12:30 am with Bec, Jud, Joe and Laura. Logan just slept the whole time which is the nice thing about having a baby. It was fun to stay late chatting and meeting Laura’s parents. I really like her and her family, and I hope that these two get married. I know Joe loves her family too.

On Saturday after sleeping in for a bit, I went for a run outside. It was such a beautiful day, and I definitely prefer to run outside than on the treadmill. After 3.5 miles, I was spent. Once I got home, I hopped in the shower and Jacob went to get the boys from my mom. I washed my hair and tried to get things done while Logan pretend napped. He’s not my best napper. He’s hard to get to sleep and he wakes up a lot. Today he took a good two hour nap, but I don’t feel like that’s typical. When Jacob got home I left to do pictures for my cousin Brad and his wife Trish. I wanted to practice some film, so that’s what we did. After pictures we went to Colleen’s house to watch a UFC fight. Joe and Laura were also there, so the boys got to meet her for the first time. We had another late night, not getting home until 11pm. It’s hard to have late nights with children. I feel like everyone is so cranky when our routine gets thrown off.

Yesterday we went to church, and then our home teachers dropped by afterwards. Once they left we ate lunch and headed to my parents. Laura came over to my parents as well, and we stayed until 10:30 letting the kids play. My mom was sick with a stomach bug the night before, so she was up in her room most of the time. The kids kept going up to check on her and touch her forehead and ask her how she was feeling. They are so cute – they love their grandparents. That’s probably where Sadie got sick from, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the boys get it too. They were all together the whole night, and sickness tends to pass from one child to the next in our family.

It was nice to have Jacob home from work today and Easton home from school. Three-day weekends really are the best, and I can’t wait until the school is out for the summer. Logan has been like clockwork, waking up at 5:30 every morning to eat. He doesn’t get up in the night anymore, so I’m grateful for that, but I can’t wait until he stretches it two more hours until 7:30. Then he’ll be getting 8-9 hours straight instead of 6. As soon as he’s sleeping until 7 or 7:30, I can go to the gym at 6am. That’s my goal so that I won’t have to take time out of my day to workout. I’m sure he’ll be a good little boy and start sleeping straight through soon.

Thursday, May 24th

Tonight I am in love with being a mother. Every once in a while in my busy life full of obligations and responsibilities and routines (and I only have 3 – how do moms of 4 or 5 or more manage?!) I get the chance to stop and reflect on why I do what I do and how much I really love it. It’s so easy to get caught up in the routine of life that you miss the “why” behind all of it. As I was feeding Logan his bottle tonight, I was in his room doing our little bedtime routine – saying a prayer with him, singing him a song, feeding him his last bottle, and rocking him on the glider. While I was doing all of this, I thought about how wonderful it is to hold my own little baby in my arms and snuggle him close. He was groggily drinking, and I watched the movements of his tiny little mouth as he sucked away so sleepily. I fall absolutely in love with him a little bit more each day.  I couldn’t help but smile at his sleepiness – they are so tired at this age.

Logan completely depends upon me for his nourishment. He couldn’t live without a mother taking care of him. It’s often tiring to be so depended upon by little people, and any mom can attest to that. Somebody always needs you. As much as I love the sound of my own name, I often cringe when I hear it too. “Mom” means somebody needs something, probably a snack or an intervention because there is some unsolvable crisis between the two older boys. There is no greater sacrifice that I can give than being a mother and devoting my time and thoughts to these little children of mine. Sometimes I just want a little “me” time, I’m not going to lie. But nothing is as fulfilling as seeing the fruit of my daily mom sacrifices. That doesn’t mean that I have the most intelligent or talented children that ever graced this earth (although I’d fight anyone that said otherwise), but that means that I get to kiss their adorable faces a hundred times a day if I want to and laugh at their silliness and gush over their superior good looks. I get to watch my friends try to make out what Easton is saying because they haven’t figured out his accent yet. He can’t say his R’s. I get to listen to boys run around the house like wild animals wrestling and playing and bringing more joy and laughter to this home than Jacob and I could ever do on our own. Being a mom is hard work, and it’s demanding, but from this sacrifice comes more fulfillment that I could ever know otherwise. I love that I get to keep this family forever. I love that it is mine. And I love that I am the world to them and they they need me so much. I am grateful that I get to be a mom and know this sort of love and have a small glimpse of the love that Heavenly Father has for me. When I think that He loves me and each of us more than I love my own children, I truly understand that His love is matchless and incomprehensible. Being a mom has taught me more about the love of God than any other thing could.

So tonight I feel grateful that I get to have this job because it is fulfilling. I am raising up men, and that is why I do what I do every day. Thank goodness it’s not just all work and no play. Because three darling little boys means there’s a lot of playtime.

Jacob and I often talk about how blessed we are in so many ways, particularly in the ways that matter most. Certainly not in money or fancy things, but in the things that we can take with us when we leave this earth. We think there is bit of fallacy in the thinking that we are blessed because we have a certain possession or don’t have a certain trial. There have been times that I have thought, “I am so blessed to be a mom. I’m so blessed that I don’t have trouble getting pregnant.” But that is where the problem lies. I think that often we associate certain possessions or events (or lack thereof) in our lives as evidence of the Lord’s hand in our lives or proof that He loves us. But a women that can’t bear children is no less blessed than I am. I haven’t loss a child, but a person that has is no less blessed than I am or less loved by Heavenly Father. I have not suffered from cancer, but that doesn’t mean that Heavenly Father is more merciful to me than the child He has allowed to fight cancer. I have come to realize that our trials are all different, but the love of the Lord is the same for all His children. Some of the most righteous people I know have the hardest trials. If you think of the lives of Joseph and Emma it might appear that the Lord was not merciful because of all that they suffered or that they weren’t blessed because of what they didn’t have. My point is that whatever seems fair and unfair in this life need not be regarded as evidence that the Lord does or does not love us. His love for me is not evident in the amount of money we make or the trials He spares me from but in the strength He gives me to endure what He allows me to go through. It is evident in the way that I always make it through and am stronger and more refined because of what He didn’t stop from happening. We are all blessed by the hand of the Lord in our lives, and I am grateful that He helps me to recognize the manifestations of His love in my life. I don’t always know why we have the trials we have or don’t have the trials that someone else has, but I do know to be true what Nephi said: “I know that He loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” 1 Nephi 11:17. The first thing that we need to know is that He loves us. Then we won’t ask why or why not because we’ll trust that His love is the basis behind all that He does for us. We have the God of the universe working in our favor, doing all things for our good and ultimate eternal happiness. And when we truly know and believe that, we don’t have to worry about all the other details. I just need to constantly remind myself that I already know this :).

Wednesday, May 23rd

Last night Logan decided it would be fun to be wide awake after drinking his bottle at 4am. I guess that wasn’t last night so much as it was this morning. He was all smiles, though, so I couldn’t help but love his cute little wide eyes, even at 4am. He snuggled up next to me in my bed since I knew he wasn’t going back to sleep in his crib, and he fell asleep on my tummy by 5am. I woke him up at 8 to feed him before having to get the boys up to get ready for school. I love having a pleasant baby in the morning, and I’m grateful that Logan is mostly delightful throughout the day.

After dropping Easton off at school, we came back home and I got Logan down for a nap. I paid some bills, took a fast shower, and got some organizing done before I had to wake Logan up and feed him. After he was fed, we picked Easton up from school. I also picked up my friend Gina’s son Michael from his class since she just had her baby. Nobody should have to load 3 children into the car to pick up a kindergartner a week after having a baby, and she brought Easton home for me after I had Logan. We headed to Grandma Edgel’s after getting Michael to his house, and the boys stayed and played while Janea followed me to Ted Weins to drop my van off to get my oil changed and brakes inspected. So we spent a few hours over there while the van was worked on. The boys had fun playing in the water and searching for buried treasure in the back yard with G-Ma. Have I mentioned before how much I love living by our families? I really really do, and I feel so blessed that my boys get to see their grandparents and aunts, uncles, and cousins all the time. Not everyone gets to live by their families, and some crazy people prefer it that way. But I am a family girl!

We headed back to our house around 4:30, and I got home and fed Logan right away. I like having a schedule, but it’s hard to follow on days when there are errands to run. Jacob got home right after I finished feeding Logan and before I had the chance to start dinner. My friend Rachel came over to meet Logan about a half hour after Jacob got home. Rachel was one of my good friends right after I became single again. I love that girl, and I had so many fun times with her. She was a good friend to have in the singles ward. She moved back to Washington right before Jacob and I started dating, but we were both friends with her. That’s how Jacob and I met – we were at a hangout at Rachel’s apartment. Anyway, she stayed for a few hours tonight just chatting with us and playing with the boys. They had so much fun with her and begged her to stay for a sleepover. They think my friends come over to hang out with them or something.

There are only a couple more weeks of school, and then Easton is off for the summer. I can’t explain how excited I am to not have to be somewhere every morning and afternoon. Now I know why parents and children always look forward to the summer. It was all the same to me before I had one in school. I will probably go crazy with Easton asking me for food ALL DAY LONG. He never stops being hungry or thinking he’s hungry. He gets done chewing his snack and says, “Now what can I have?” It’s enough to make me crazy some days. But it will be nice to be able to have fun together and not have to worry about picking him up from school at 11:30 every day.

I took this picture earlier in the week.

I always smile when I’m walking around the house and stumble upon creative little inventions like this. My boys are funny. They like to make weird things out of weird things. They like to collect random containers to put random weird things in. I go crazy with all the bags and boxes and canisters and things with lids that the boys somehow find in their possession. I hate messes and clutter, so these little things of theirs find their way to the trash whenever the boys aren’t looking. I’ve got a parmesan cheese container with holes poked in the top that is home to a pet caterpillar sitting downstairs on the ottoman as I type. I’m often annoyed by all these “things” that accumulate and clutter my countertops and floors, but on some days they make me smile when I think of my cute little boys and their sweet little boyhood. I love it. I love that I get to have a house full of darling little boys that love and adore their mama.  Tonight when Rachel was here, Easton had said something about me doing something when he’s 80, and I told him that I’d be dead when he’s 80. Tears started streaming down his face and he ran and buried his head in my shoulder crying that he doesn’t want me to die. Not ever. It was so sad to him to think of, and it made me smile to think of how he just can’t bear the thought of living without me. Mothers are truly their children’s livelihood. And they are mine.

Tuesday, May 22nd

I went running last night with some ladies from my ward. We did 3.5 miles, but I only ran 2.5 and then had to stop and walk for about a half mile. I was fine until I hit 2 miles, and then we started running uphill. It kicked my butt. I hate not being able to keep up with people that I’m running with, so I was bummed that I had to stop and walk, but I’ll allow it since I haven’t been running since I was like 15 weeks pregnant. Hopefully I’ll be able to go farther next time. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t even run a mile, so it’s at least an improvement from where I used to be.

Today after I dropped Easton off at school, I took the younger boys to Target and the grocery store with me. Then we came home and fed Logan until it was time to go get Easton. After I fed the boys lunch, I had to drop off some paperwork for our adoption at the legal aid office. Then we came home and I got dinner started. I took dinner to a family in our ward who just had a baby last week, and then I went to the baby shower of the mom who I took dinner to. Her baby came earlier than expected so the baby shower got pushed until today.

My days are always full of things that need to get done but seem to not. It’s hard when you add a baby into the mix. When Logan naps there about 3 hours worth of things that I need to get done in one hour, so some things just don’t get done. That’s okay, I suppose.

Last night Logan slept until 5:30 without waking up. I actually woke up at 5am wondering why he hadn’t woken up yet. He’s gradually stretching a little bit longer each night. He is my most favorite in the morning. He is so smiley and just a pleasant little baby. He started to follow my face with his eyes probably a couple weeks ago. Sometimes in the morning I bring him in my bed and let him sleep with me a little bit longer, and he is so sweet sleeping on my belly. I’m really enjoying our cuddles lately, and I feel like he’s grown to the point that I feel like, “Okay, this isn’t so bad. I could have another baby.” After he eats during the day, he’ll happily lay on the couch for an hour just looking around and smiling when we talk to him. He tends to only be fussy if he’s tired or hungry. So I’m able to get things done while he’s awake, which is very nice. Sometimes babies are fussy and need to be entertained, but I have been very grateful that he’s content to just sit by himself and look around. The boys love to talk to and kiss him all day, and they can sometimes annoy him a little when they are all up in his face.

We had a good FHE last night on the Priesthood. I love how Easton is at an age where he is starting to get things. It’s amazing to watch your children grow into people with their own unique personalities. He and Jacob were playing rock paper scissors after FHE was over, and he was cracking us up with some of the things he was saying. He always says funny things, and I love who he is. He is so sweet and so smart and so insightful for a 6-year-old. He understands things that we don’t even explain to him. It’s weird to think that he was ever Logan’s age. It seems so long ago. Now he’s my big grown-up 6-year-old. I just love him.

Teagan is always our playful little guy. He has been quite whiney lately, though.  Instead of asking for help with things, he’ll just cry first. I don’t understand it, and it can be frustrating. I hope he gets past this stage soon so that I don’t have to listen to whining all day for no good reason. He’ll whine because he wants milk. Or a snack. Or he’s tired. But he won’t just tell me in a nice way, he’ll whine first. My friends say their children do this too. He is so super cute, though, and really fun when he’s not whining. I’m sure he’s adjusting to not being the baby anymore.

I took a couple pics of the boys sitting together on the couch today. You can tell they love Logan. And Mr. Logan is starting to put on some chub. He’ll be 7 weeks tomorrow. We’re really beginning to enjoy him. He makes me laugh in pictures because he always has really big eyes.

Saturday, May 19th

Yesterday we found out that Becca is going to have a little boy. I’m so excited for her, and everyone was really surprised because they all assumed that they would be having another girl. The boys and I went to her ultrasound along with my mom and Joe, but we were about 10 minutes late so they had already found out when we got there. I always forget that I have to start getting ready to leave my house at least 20 minutes before actually have to leave my house. I’m so used to just telling the boys to get their shoes on and leaving. But now I have to have a diaper bag packed and anything that Logan might need while we’re out, but I don’t remember that I need that stuff until I have to leave. So we’re not always on time these days. But I’m working on it. From Becca’s ultrasound I headed to Jared’s to get my wedding ring cleaned and inspected. Then it was back home to get the boys ready to go with Jacob on the father and sons trip for our ward. Jacob’s dad went with them as well, so after I got home he arrived just a few minutes later. I had planned on staying at Becca’s for the night because I have never slept alone in a house and never will. So once Mark got to my house I packed my stuff and Logan’s stuff into the car and headed to Becca’s. I didn’t get to see Jacob before I left because he wasn’t home from work yet, but I had to leave to get the baby to Juddy so that he could watch him while Becca and I went shopping for Andrea’s baby shower gift. Juddy had to leave by 7:30, so we had to hurry. Once we were done shopping we headed home and spent the evening at her house doing pretty much nothing. Logan and I slept on her couches, and he slept good, only waking up once like usual.

This morning after feeding Logan, we left Becca’s and headed to Target so that I could look for something decent to wear to Andrea’s shower. But I’m still not the weight that I want to be and don’t want to buy fat pants, so of course my quest for a cute outfit was all in vain. I did get a cute pair of sandals and a shirt that was ugly when I tried it on at home. I would have tried it on in the store, but Logan is not fun to shop with because he hates his car seat and screams when he sits in it. I can’t very well hold him and try on clothes at the same time. So I will take the shirt back next week. It is so frustrating to not be the size I want to be. I feel so uncomfortable in my body, and I just hate feeling like that. But I feel like that no matter what size I am so I don’t know why I think anything is going to change once I lose more weight.

The boys got home around 12:30. They had a lot of fun with Jacob and his dad and smelled like filthy little animals when they got home. I sent them straight to the bath without hugs. Jacob took a few pics on their overnighter.

Once they were human again I fed them lunch and finished blow drying my hair while Jacob took a nap. He didn’t sleep well last night. Apparently it was colder than he had anticipated so he spent the night being cold and worrying that the boys were cold. But I sent sweaters with them just in case it was cold, so they were okay. I headed to Andrea’s shower around 4:45. Her sisters and in-laws did such a wonderful job putting on her adorable shower. It was a garden theme since Andrea is having a little girl named Iris. They had fresh flowers and cute decorations everywhere. Becca and Staci were there too, so it was a fun time. I love those girls. Even though they are all so cute that they make me feel bad about myself.

Well I better go. I need to get Mr. Logan in bed, and I’m pretty sure that I’m supposed to be teaching the lesson in YW’s tomorrow, so I need to get on that. It’s going to be a late night.

Thursday, May 17th

Today I had to take in some paperwork to get our adoption underway, so after I picked Easton up from school we headed to my parents’ house so that my mom could watch the kiddos. I was only gone about an hour, so we stayed for a couple hours at my parents before heading home.  My mom has a picture of my sister and me on her console, and Easton was looking at it today. He said to me, “Wow, Mom, you were way more beautiful then than you are now.” He said it so sweetly, though, so I knew he thought he was giving me the nicest compliment. But it’s the truth. I was 19 in the photo, and I was tan and skinny with beautiful flowing locks and I wore only mascara. I wouldn’t be caught dead with only mascara now. How did I get old? Now, some would read this and laugh that I think I’m old at almost 28. But I remember being 16 and wondering what it would be like to be married and have children, and I just couldn’t picture it ACTUALLY happening, the same way I can’t picture my children growing up and having children of their own. But those things do happen. A friend on FB mentioned that her son had turned just turned 1, and she went on to say that she only had to repeat the same amount of time 17 more times and her baby would be out of the house. When you think of how quickly your child’s first year goes by and then think that it only happens 17 more times until they are basically grown up and gone, you realize how this life really is just a small moment. It doesn’t seem that way, but it is. I’ve been here for nearly 28 years. I’m practically a pro at life. Although I still feel like I’m just a kid. I still feel like I did when I was 18.  Sometimes I think, “Rachel, what are you doing with 3 children? You’re just a child, you can’t be a mom.”

All 3 boys are in bed now. I tried a 3 1/2 hour schedule with Logan today, and we’ll see how he does tonight. He typically has 6 feedings a day on his 3 hour schedule and then one in the middle of the night, so by stretching it out a half hour he drops a feeding. I can never get him to finish a bottle, though. He just doesn’t seem hungry enough at 3 hours after the start of his last feeding, so maybe this new schedule will suit him better. Maybe he’ll be hungrier and more awake at each feeding because I feel like he’s gagging his bottle down right now. I wish I had written down Easton’s schedule when I did Babywise with him. That’s why I’m jotting it down now, so that I’ll remember it with the next two children I’ll hopefully have. I gave Logan his last feeding at 9, but it took him 45 minutes because he was so sleepy. I’m hoping that in the next few weeks he drops his middle of the night feeding and sleeps straight through. Now that he’s only up once a night and content to just hang out on his back looking around while he’s awake, I’m forgetting that newborns are so hard. He’s been so pleasant, so the thought of two more isn’t so bad. It’s really just the first 8 weeks that are tough, as long as the baby doesn’t have colic or acid reflux, and I’ve been really lucky to have good babies. I hope I don’t ever have a baby like I was for my mom. I hear horror stories about how I never slept and was attached to my mother’s hip at all times. If I have a bad baby, let it be my 5th just to really set it in stone that I’m done.

I’ve been going back and forth about going to school for the fall semester. Well not really “going” to school since I prefer to do most of my course work online. But I can only go so far online before every field that I want to go into requires me to do some sort of on-campus work or internship or something of that nature. My interests change all the time. My problem is that the things that I want to go to school for will take me out of the home at a time when it is not the best thing for our family. Speech pathology was my choice for a while, but to be able to practice in a private setting I’d need to have my masters. I’ve wanted to do occupational therapy, but again that requires  a masters, and I’m not even close to my bachelors. I’ve considered physical therapist assistant, and I would really only need to do my biology courses to get into that program, but those have to be done on campus. That would require a lab and a lecture, and it’s just a lot for a mom to commit to since Jacob is going to be going to school and working too. With a baby it just doesn’t seem doable. Me going into anything that I want to go into means that I’d have to get babysitters or obligate my mom or Jacob’s mom to watch the kiddos, and that doesn’t seem like the best thing either since I only want to get my degree for the sake of having it or in the event that I might need it. When I became a single mom after Adam and I separated, I suddenly found myself wishing that I was more qualified to support myself and two children. Thankfully, my parents took good care of us, but I felt like such a burden. They never made me feel like that, but I just did. I just want to be prepared in the event that I ever have to work, but I don’t want to impose upon the lives of my mothers to make sure I’m prepared for a “just in case” situation.

Anyway, another field that I’ve thought about is accounting because it seems that a mom might be able to do that sort of work around her family. But accounting doesn’t interest me in the least bit. So when I think of getting my degree in accounting, I’m filled with dread and that “I hate accounting” feeling. So I probably shouldn’t go into that field. I’ve considered becoming a teacher, but if I had to be solely responsible for the financial welfare of my family, a teacher’s wages would mean that we’d live on a beans and rice and probably wear hand-made clothes (by someone other than myself because I don’t know how to sew) and take showers in cold water. None of those things make me think, “You should just be teacher, Rachel.” The only thing I like about a teacher’s job would be that I’d be on the same schedule as my children, so that counts for something. We’d be poor and living on love, but I’d be gone when they were gone and home when they were home. The other thing that really interests me now is nursing. I know Jacob is going into it, and I think that’s why I’ve considered it. Nurses make a pretty good living. If I had to support a family on my own I could. This would probably be my first choice now, but the program is a year and a half and is equal to having a full time job. I just can’t do that for a year and a half at this time in my life. So this is the predicament I find myself in, and it’s been going on for a year now. I don’t even know what classes to register for this semester because most of my generals are done so the classes that I need to take now are program specific. And I certainly don’t just want to take a bunch of classes that don’t count towards the degree I eventually end up getting. That’s just a waste of time and money. So here I sit, registered only for Psychology 101 because it satisfies one of my last general ed requirements for several of the fields I’ve considered going into.

By saying all of this, don’t think I’m planning for another marriage to end or think that I’m subtly hinting that something is going terribly wrong and I’m going to be responsible for supporting for 3 children. Jacob and I are quite happily married, and I don’t anticipate that changing because we work at making sure it stays that way. But I never in all my life imagined that I’d be a single mom, and I was. I never imagined I’d be divorced, and I am. I don’t imagine that I’ll lose Jacob, but I don’t know what is ahead. I want to finish my degree, just in case I ever need it.

I should be sleeping since all 3 boys are in bed instead of sitting here rambling on. But since they are asleep, I have time to be awake and not be needed by somebody for something. It’s quite liberating. Tonight at mutual we were all talking about what shows everyone watched, and some of the girls asked me what I watched, and I thought, “Who has time to watch TV?” At this point, there is always something important to be done. Feeding a baby is a lot of work. Whether you are nursing or bottle feeding, for 30 minutes every 3 hours I have to sit and feed Logan and do nothing else. That’s 3 1/2 hours a day that I spend just sitting and feeding a baby. I suppose I could watch TV while I sat and fed him, but we don’t have TV anyway so that’s probably another reason why I never watch or even know what shows are on these days. Anyway, somewhere in the 15 hours that I’m up for the day, I have to clean, eat (I usually forget that part), cook, feed children, do my hair and makeup, snuggle with Teagan (he’s been asking me lately, “Mom, will you come snuggle?” I’m like putty in his hands when he asks me that), do reading and sight words and homework with Easton, run errands, pay bills, read scriptures, and a whole lot of other things. And I promise you that all of the things that I NEED to do each day do not get done. My friend Erin has five children, and I asked the question on FB, “How do moms manage to get things done in the day?” She commented that she quit cleaning, and when I read her comment I realized that it’s ok to not have everything as clean as I think it should be. It’s okay for now because this is where I am in my life. I have to spend 3 1/2 hours feeding a baby, so when something has to go it’s the things that don’t matter most that get the boot. I try to remind myself of this poem I wrote when Easton was a baby. I thought I knew then what busy was, being the mother of one. I was so naïve :).

"Fruit of My Labors"
The day is through,
and you are fast asleep
upon my shoulder
while the dishes are
in the sink
and crumbs are
on the floor.
Dust has settled on the
cherry picture frames,
and baseboards
have been neglected.
Because today
I was just your mother.
We sang, and I
taught you some letters.
We played, then
I hugged and kissed you.
You cried,
and I held you
I cleaned, clothed, and fed you.
Tonight we prayed
together while the tasks
were left undone.
Now you are asleep
upon my shoulder
after a day's worth of
all that I taught you.
And before I look around
and see failure,
I kiss the child resting
in my arms,
and I think of you -
the result of my toils,
the sweet fruit
of my labors.
-7/23/06

God doesn’t care if my baseboards are clean. My children don’t care if my baseboards are clean. And yes, cleanliness is important so I still maintain a degree of presentable cleanliness in my home, but I can’t be as clean as I want to be. I just can’t mop every day. I can’t vacuum 3 times a day to keep vacuum lines and yell at everyone to not walk unnecessarily on the carpet (I used to do that). When I look around my house and see things undone, I want my children to know it was for them. I don’t want them to think, “My mom had to have everything clean.” I want them to think, “Wow, my mom really took the time to love me.” And so often I feel like I push the kiddos aside to do the things that aren’t the MOST important. I need to play with them more, have more fun with them and more snuggles, more time to let them do the things that I don’t want them to do because they might make a mess. I just need to stop confusing my success as a mother with my success as a housekeeper.  I want to be a better mom, not a better housekeeper.

Wednesday, May 16th

The past few days have been busy. I finally changed my name to Edgel at the DMV on Monday. This way my poor husband won’t be called Mr. Budge the next time I deliver a baby. We get along just fine with the ex, but that doesn’t mean Jacob wants to take on his last name or anything. Becca watched the boys for me while I went, and I was there about 1 1/2 hours. Afterwards I stayed at her house and hung out so the kids could play and fight with each other for a couple more hours. It’s almost easier to not let them play together because it’s a giant headache to hear constant whining that so and so isn’t sharing or someone hit someone else or he made a mean face at me. I’m not sure why they get so excited to be with each other when it seems to be so painful for them when they are together. Anyway, we left Becca’s around 4 so that I could come home and make dinner. When Jacob got home the boys ate dinner and I went back to the gym after about 9 weeks of not working out. I got the go ahead from Charlene at my appointment on Friday. I ended up just doing cardio because the gym was packed and the trainers were using the machines. I don’t think I’ll go after Jacob gets home from work because apparently that’s when everyone goes to the gym. After the gym we had FHE and then sent the boys to bed.

Yesterday we spent the day at home, and I was able to catch up on some cleaning. We had our friends the Andersons over for dinner. They just live on the street behind us, and Brittany is in YW’s with me and Braden is in the Elder’s Quorum Presidency with Jacob, so we’ve gotten to know them pretty well. Plus they have a little girl names Taylor that Teagan plays really well with. I made a really yummy crock pot chicken that I wish was a little healthier and homemade tortillas that were not healthy at all, but it was a good dinner.

This morning Easton has his kindergarten performance. He was so cute to watch. Jacob went in late to work so that he could go, and his parents, Janea, my mom, and Grandma Hansen all came to see the performance. Teagan thought it was so great that we were all at Easton’s school, and he just loved watching his big brother all dressed up and singing songs for us. It was really adorable to how proud he was.

After his performance we came home and worked on homework and cleaning and all the other normal daily tasks. I did get a crate painted that I’m using for a friend’s gift. I will post a picture of it when it’s all finished. I hope it will be darling. Logan has been doing great at napping and being pleasant when he’s awake.  I’m getting about 7 hours each night, so I’m not tired all day and it doesn’t seem so hard anymore. He’s 6 weeks today, and he’s certainly getting more and more enjoyable each week. He’s such a smiley little thing in the morning. These were from yesterday morning. I could just kiss that face! And I do.

Tonight I went to our ward’s enrichment meeting. It focused on finding ways to bring the spirit into our home, and 3 sisters at different stages in their lives talked about what they do in their families. They all had such great insights, but one of the sisters that spoke is 75 and talked about the importance of family prayer. She was promised in her patriarchal blessing that if she would have family prayer consistently that her entire family would live together in the celestial kingdom. It is so amazing that prayer can do such wonderful things in the life of a family. It made me happy to hear about the success of her family and grown up children. We are consistent with our family prayers and scripture study each night, and sometimes it seems like it doesn’t make a difference, but it truly does. The boys don’t know how to read the scriptures, but Jacob and I have them repeat a verse each night. We’ve been doing that for the past year, and even though they have no idea what they are saying, I hope that they remember that we did it and that it brought the Spirit into our home.

Sunday, May 13th

We’ve spent the past few days hanging out at Jacob’s parents’ house. His brother and sister-in-law and their little guy Gavin have been in town, so we’ve gone over to see them and let the kids play. On Friday afternoon Patti watched the kids while I ran a few errands. I had my 6-week checkup with Charlene, and everything is good. So that means I can start working out again. No excuses. I plan to go to the gym tomorrow. I also went shopping with Becca for some things for a Mother’s Day craft for our moms. After shopping I spent the rest of the evening with my family at the Edgels’ house. On Saturday I had a ward breakfast in the morning. After that I spent some time working on some mother’s day things. Then we had a BBQ at Amanda’s house to celebrate Ryan’s graduation from UNLV. The boys had so much fun, and I love being able to visit with Amanda and some of our other friends that were there. Amanda is such a sweetheart to my boys. They are always spoiled when they go over there. We spent a few hours there, and then we headed to the in-laws’ house again. I left after a couple hours to go to Becca’s and work on our Mother’s Day craft, and I didn’t end up leaving her house until 10:15, so we had a late night last night. This is the craft that we made.

Today was Mother’s Day. I have such a wonderful mother. I know no better example of selflessness and sacrifice than my own sweet mother. I could never be as good as she is. So I am always happy to have a day to remember to let her know how much I love her and how much good she has done in the lives of her children. My mother-in-law is also a terrific woman and a blessing in our family’s lives. After church we went to see Patti and give her her gift. The boys did their handprints and wrote notes to her, and we gave her perfume and the craft I made. From her house we went to see my mom, and we gave her her craft, cards, and a gift card. The boys made me cards too. I love being a mother. It’s hard and tiring and a lot of work, but it is truly the most fulfilling and rewarding thing I do in my life. It makes me appreciate all that my mother sacrificed for us. I never knew just how much she did until I became a mother. Here are a couple pictures from today. I didn’t get one with my mom because she hates to be in pictures.

This is what Easton gave to me. I love the questionnaire he filled out with his teacher. And I love that the smartest thing I have ever told him is actually something that Jacob told him.

This past week at school was Teacher Appreciation week, so I put together this gift box for Easton’s teacher and decorated it up really cute. I was pleased with the finished product. My Easton is so handsome, and he gets older each day. I can’t even stop it from happening. He is such a sweet boy and so loving to his mommy. I just want him to stay this way forever.

On another note, these are my favorite flowers that I have on my porch right now. I love walking out each day and seeing them. I can’t wait until I can have a home that has a place for a real flower garden, but for now I’m grateful for what I have. When the other flowers come in better I’ll take pictures of my entire porch.

Wednesday, May 9th

Logan is swinging right now, so I have about 3 minutes to catch up on my blog. It amazes me what I don’t have time to do anymore. He’s supposed to be sleeping, but his big eyes are wide awake like he’s not on a schedule or something. It’s very hard to keep a 5 week old on his schedule when he’s still so sleepy sometimes. Most of his feedings are spent just trying to wake him up so he’ll eat on time. He’s on a 3-hour schedule right now and starts every morning about 7:30. He’s doing 3-4 ounces with each feeding, although sometimes I just feel like he’s not hungry. I’m wondering if I should move to a 3 1/2 hour schedule, but I have to pick up Babywise from the library. I don’t remember what I did with Easton and Teagan, and I haven’t read the book in forever. It worked great for them, although I never really had to let them cry it out. I let Easton cry it out one time for about 20 minutes, but then after that he’d just go down and go to sleep without crying. Teagan wasn’t that easy, and I never had the heart to let him cry it out. And I try with Logan, but I can’t let him cry more than 15 minutes or I just feel like a bad person. He’s been doing so well in the night, though. Last night he went to sleep at 11 and got up at 4:30 to eat, and then I woke him up at 7:45. He is all smiles in the morning, and he makes me happy.

On Sunday, the boys got to wear their new church clothes. They all looked so handsome!

After church I had a meeting, and then we just went to my parents like usual. We would have gone to Jacob’s parents’ had I not had a meeting.

On Monday, I did some cleaning and planned a menu for this week. That hasn’t been done since who knows how long. Then when Jacob got home from work I went and picked up a probiotic for Logan (he’s kind of constipated) and then went grocery shopping for this week’s meals. Why is food so expensive? We spend as much on food as we do on our house payment each month. I know our house payment is only $532, but it just seems so ridiculous to spend that much money on food. I know people spend more money than that every month on food, so I should count my blessings. And heaven forbid I actually want to buy healthy food. You can’t eat healthy and eat cheaply at the same time. Anyway, after grocery shopping we had FHE on testimonies. The boys are always really good for FHE, but I need to do better about planning fun activities and lessons for them. Life has just been busy.

Yesterday we went to Colleen’s and went swimming. Jaedyn came with us again, and we spent a few hours there and then headed to Jacob’s parent’s to go out to dinner for Jayden’s birthday. We went to Bambini’s, this Italian restaurant, and it was really good. We go there with the Edgels a lot. WE got home late, and I helped Easton finish his bug research paper and then put the boys to bed. Jacob has not been feeling well the past couple days. He’s had the usual sinus infection he gets. Easton also woke up with croup on Monday night, but he was well enough Tuesday morning to go to school. He randomly gets croup in the middle of the night, but when he wakes up he’ll have nothing more than a cough. He was fine last night. Typically he gets croup for one night, and then he’ll have a cough the next day, and that’s how it went this time.

Have I mentioned that Jacob is going to be starting nursing school soon? He’s looking into a few different schools. Juddy is also going to be going to nursing school, and hopefully they can get in the same school at the same time so Becca and I can be lonely single moms together. Starting next week Jacob will be working three 14-hour days. It will suck Monday – Wednesday, but I will certainly like Thursday – Sunday. When he starts school, though, he will probably just have to stop working because he’ll be in school and doing clinicals full time.

And here are some cute pictures from today of my little 5-week-old.

Saturday, May 5th

Yesterday I was able to get a lot done. I did laundry, showered and washed my hair (hair washing happens once a week now), and got my thank you cards finished for Logan’s baby shower. I even bought stamps and mailed them off. I took the boys over to Patti’s around 2:30 so that I could go to the Social Security office and officially change my name to Rachel Edgel. After the SS office, I went to Target to return the non-loud fan I bought and pick up a baby shower gift for my cousin Katie’s baby shower. I also bought some cute onesies and rompers for Logan because there were a ton of cute clothes in stock. So what could I do but buy them? Anyway, Katie came down from Provo so my cousin Trish could throw her a shower today. After Target I went home and got ready to go out with my husband and Becca and Juddy to see The Avengers and go out to dinner. Joe and his girlfriend Laura were supposed to go but Joe had something come up and had to bail on us. Patti kept the boys the whole time, so she basically had them for 8 hours because we didn’t get home until 11. She had the boys in bed, but Logan wouldn’t go to sleep. I think it’s because he wanted to say goodnight to his mommy. The movie was really good, and we had a nice time being out on a date with Becca and Juddy. My MIL was so sweet to watch the boys for so long. Have I mentioned before how grateful Jacob and I are for our families? They are seriously the best. We couldn’t ask for better parents.

Logan went down at 11:30 last night and didn’t get up until 5am this morning to eat. I was pleased, and grateful. We got up for the day at 8, and I made some breakfast and got ready for the baby shower. Logan came with me, and we got to the shower at 11am. It was nice to be at the shower. Logan was a big hit, of course. I hung out for a bit after it was over and chatted with Trish and my cousins. I love Trish, and we don’t get to hang out often enough. She just finished her masters in nursing, though, so she shouldn’t be so busy now. We decided we need to hang out more this summer since she’s finally done with school and only lives 15 minutes from me. I got home from the shower at 4pm. Jacob and the older boys had gone to Lowe’s and installed a light in their room while I was gone. He always makes things so fun for them, so they love to hang out with him.

Oh funny story. Yesterday I was using the restroom, and Easton came running in. I didn’t have the door locked because I’m a mom and there’s no such thing as privacy for a mother. He didn’t see anything, I was just tucking my shirt back in, but he says, “Ugh, Mom, why didn’t you lock the door?” I told him that I forgot, and then he said, “Well you need to lock the door. What if Dad had walked in? That would have been a disaster.” I just wanted to kiss in innocently naïve little face.

This is my cute little Logan today. 4 1/2 weeks. And very very cute.

Thursday, May 3rd

This has been a busy week. On Monday I have no recollection of what we did. I’m sure I cleaned, cooked, and took care of children. That’s how it usually goes. I probably felt sorry for myself because I have no time for myself. On Tuesday after picking Easton up from school we headed to Coleen’s to swim with Becca and Sadie. On the way there, I stopped at Target to return some hair dye and buy some swimming stuff for the kiddos. Then I stopped and got us Café Rio and picked Jaedyn up before going to Coleen’s. We haven’t had Jaedyn over for a bit, so I thought it would be fun to have her come with us. The boys were happy she got to come. We spent a few hours there while the children played and fought and played and fought. Why are children like that? They love and hate each other all in the same minute. It’s so childish.

Tuesday evening I went to a girls camp meeting with Melisa. I don’t remember what happened yesterday either. I did have a young women’s first aid certification last night, but most of the day is just a blur. Actually, I did got to Target. We seem to do that a lot around here. Target is my place of zen. So I find reasons to go there all the time.  Logan needed more binkies and a fan for his room so that’s what I went for. Oh,  I also cleaned 3 bathrooms. I’m still very proud.

Today after picking Easton up from school we headed over to the neighborhood potluck. We only stayed about an hour, but I got to chat with my friends and the boys got to play. From the potluck we headed to my mom’s so that she could watch the boys while I picked up some adoption papers. That didn’t take very long, so I stopped at Lowe’s afterwards to get a fan for Logan (since the one I bought the previous day was too quiet) and a light for the boys’ room. But I ended up getting nothing since the fan I wanted was all out. Then I headed back to my mom’s and hung out for a couple hours while the kids played with Grandpa and Logan napped. My sweet mom had a dinner all ready for me to take home. One of the greatest things anyone could ever do for me is cook me dinner. Making dinner can be so stressful to me, so having something already made is just a huge load off my shoulders. I’m sure women everywhere feel like that. I can do so many things, but please don’t ask me what’s for dinner because I just don’t know. I think it’s because I want it to be healthy but I want it to be yummy also and it’s hard to find a meal that is both. And I want it to occasionally be vegan or vegetarian and since I don’t like anything, I just find it overwhelming. I would rather just not eat. I have consumed very few calories since Logan came. I don’t have my appetite back yet, and I want to eat healthy, so if I can’t think of something healthy, I just don’t eat. Which is equally unhealthy, so I just lost altogether. That’s okay, I just had a baby. I tell myself this every day – Rachel, you just had a baby.

Tomorrow I am going to go change my name. Finally. My driver’s license still says Rachel Budge, so in the hospital I was Rachel Budge. Logan’s crib card said Logan Budge, and nurses kept calling Jacob and me Mr. and Mrs. Budge. We kept correcting them but finally we just gave up. Jacob was a good sport, he just laughed and said that we should probably just name the baby Logan Jacob Budge Edgel. We almost did. Anyway, I felt so bad that my hubs kept being called by the ex’s name, so I’m going to change my name tomorrow before I have another baby and the same thing happens. Patti is going to watch the boys while I go to the Social Security office. Then in the evening she and Mark are going to watch the boys while Jacob and I go on a triple date with Becca, Juddy, Joseph, and his girlfriend Laura. I’m pretty sure they are officially an item. We are going to dinner and to see the new movie The Avengers.

This morning after drinking his bottle Logan was showing off with cute little smiles. He was 4 weeks yesterday, and I’m pretty sure that’s when Teagan started smiling while he was awake too. I love it so much when babies start smiling when they’re awake. You feel like you’re finally getting something back after all your days of service. I’ve been averaging about 5 hours of sleep, and even though I’m tired, I really feel like the Lord has lightened my burden and helped me to not be too exhausted to function. I’m tired, but not as tired as I would expect to be. I’m a person who really likes my sleep, and 5 hours just doesn’t cut it. But I’m really grateful that I’m not as tired as I should be. It’s been a blessing. Well I’m off to bed. Logan is sleeping, so I should be too.