Tuesday, January 28th Needed

The past several nights I have slunk into bed, exhausted at the thought of being needed one more time by anyone for any reason. My poor husband has gotten all the leftover energy and mental capacity that I go to bed with each night. It reminds me of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, when the grinch takes everything from the Who’s houses and leaves crumbs that are even too small for a mouse. That’s what Jacob has been getting from me – crumbs.

First thing in the morning, I open my eyes to hear the baby crying. Because he needs me. Then Teagan is hungry, and he will DIE (DIE!) if he doesn’t get breakfast before I drop Easton off at school. He needs me to feed him. Easton needs a healthy home-made lunch for school. The house needs me to clean it. The less-active women in my ward need to be visited because it’s my calling as a ward missionary to do that weekly. Logan is fussy, and he needs me to hold him. And Teagan needs to be schooled while Easton is at school. If I sit down on the couch, Logan and Teagan fight over who will sit on my lap because they both need to be on me all the time.  And the people around me are always SO hungry, all day long, needing me to feed them, needing me to make dinner. Then I pick Easton up from school and the needing continues. I have to help with homework, tuck the boys in bed, read them bedtime stories, and sing them their bedtime songs. The dog needed to me to take her to the groomer’s this week. Even the dog needs me. She follows me all around the house just needing to be next to me. And little baby Emerlynn living inside my body needs me to survive. Everybody needs me. All day long from the time I wake up I am needed.

This is not a situation that is unique to me – mothers everywhere are needed to give and give and give until they have nothing left to give except for crumbs. The crumbs of our sanity, our energy.Unfortunately, that’s often what Jacob gets at the end of the night -  an exhausted sigh from his emotionally spent wife as he reaches over to touch my arm, and I pull away while my silent thoughts say to him, “Oh, now YOU need me too?” Poor man. Poor children with their tired mother.  It’s work for me to do things these days, even little things. I don’t want to sound like I don’t love my life because I do, and I love the people in it. I love those little ones that need so much from me and the sweet man that needs me too. Were it all to go away, my grief would be unbearable, and I would long for the moments that I was so needed. But sometimes I need to shower or pee alone or walk downstairs to put something away without Logan thinking I’m abandoning him. I need things, too. Like more time in the day. And a house keeper. And a chef. A personal trainer too, or instead someone to workout for me by proxy. I need to eat more often. Without sharing it with all the people that I made sure to feed before I ate so that I could eat in peace. This little baby inside me needs more than the 20 glasses of water I live off of each day. But there’s no time for me. I washed my hair and did my makeup today instead of schooling Teagan because it’s always one or the other. How some people manage to get so many things done in a day astounds me. Like women that wash their hair every day? I can’t imagine such a thing as that. I need someone (other than my husband whose tips are always received more as criticism) to micromanage my day and time and then do it all for me while I just lay on the couch and do nothing. That sounds lovely. That’s what I need.

Friday, January 17th Gender Reveal

 

And there she is. Little miss Emerlynn Patrice. There’s no dangling appendage, no protrusion of any sort. Just a little slit, and that is a very unfamiliar sight in this household. If you remember the day I found out Logan was a boy, I was pretty upset. I was so sure he was a girl, and both Jacob and I had our hearts set on a girl. That disappointment lasted for a day, and then I became content and excited about my house full of boys. It’s me and the boys, always me and the boys. And now it won’t be. In all honesty, there was just a little bit of disappointment as the ultrasound tech pointed out the absence of a key appendage to make this little baby a boy – it wasn’t there. We were very much ready, and excited, to have four little boys living under our roof.

My boys are perfect, not in the sense that they do nothing wrong, but in the sense that they are boys that love and cuddle and dote on their mother. We have something perfect between us. They are little darlings in every way, and they’re all I know and all I love. That’s what I mean when I say I was a little disappointed because I was super excited about getting another little brute to add to our family. I want a girl, I do. I need a daughter to be my friend when my boys grow up and start cleaving to their wives. But what will a little girl do in this place? I’ll have to comb her hair and learn various sorts of braids. And make her look like all the other little girls do – lots of bows and painted nails, princess dresses and trendy clothes (there are always cute clothes to be purchased). Ain’t nobody got time for that, and yet she can’t run around looking like a dirty ragamuffin, so I’ll have to make time.

Out of genuine excitement for us, several people have commented that I am FINALLY getting my girl. As if after having spent my time in the sludge of parenthood, I am finally coming out victorious (as inferred by an overly-sensitive pregnant woman). Nothing unkind or offensive to my boys was meant, but it kind of made me feel like they were saying, “After all those nasty boys, you’ll finally have a little girl to make up for all the suffering and pain”. Again, nobody implied that, I only inferred it. And I’m certain nobody thinks that. But I got a little defensive, inwardly. We would have been so excited to have another boy. How we love little boys! But we are getting a little lady, and how we will love her. I’m sure of it. We’re just very surprised, so this needs to settle in.

But now she’ll need a sister because what girl can possibly live this life without a sister?! 

Monday, January 6, 2014

And another year bites the dust. Epic blog failure for 2013. I rather enjoy blogging and look forward to seeing all my journaling efforts made into a book each year, but I still haven’t made books for 2011 and 2012. I’ve started 2011’s but it’s a lot of work. Maybe I can just squeeze the 5 posts from 2013 into my 2012 book when I one day get around to that.  However, let’s not start the year off counting all of last year’s failures. Maybe this year I’ll document our family’s happenings more frequently so that they are actually remembered, but then again, maybe I won’t.

Anthony and Geana had their little baby girl, Evalyn, on December 4th. What a darling little thing she is! She makes me want a little girl just like her.

Amber and I threw her baby shower on Nov. 16th at my mom’s house. So much easier to throw a shower with someone’s help! I made zuppa toscana, my mom made a creamy tortellini soup, and Amber made a Mediterranean pasta salad. We served it with salad and bread and hot spinach artichoke dip. I kept the dessert simple by making fluffy sugar cookies and cream cheese topping and serving that with fresh fruit to create your own mini fruit pizzas. Quite yummy.

 

Easton had a big birthday on December 12, 2013. He turned 8. I’m not going to say what every parents says when their children turn another year older, but I’m certainly thinking it. Since it was his 8th birthday, he got to have a friend party at Pump It Up on December 13th. What a blast it was for everyone, and I don’t know if I’ll ever throw my own party again. That place did everything. They unloaded my car, put out the food, served the children, set up the room, cut the cake, loaded gifts into my car, cleaned everything up, and I got to sit back and enjoy the night for a small fee of $229. We don’t do birthday parties around here, at least not big ones where we invite friends, but we do for the ages of 5 and 8, maybe 12. So I don’t mind splurging on those years. Teagan’s 5th birthday is coming up in a month, so I’ll have to get his party planned too (Lousy pictures from the party, but sometimes I want to be present at events and not taking pictures).

Between Easton’s birthday and Christmas, life was a blur of fun family activities. I felt like we had something every night, and none of us went to bed before 10pm, the baby included. We did the Magical Forest with Jacob’s family, the live Nativity, played in the snow at Mt. Charleston, had gingerbread making nights, watched movies, went to a couple Christmas parties, went shooting, out to the dry lake bed, and spent time with our families. Jacob’s siblings were in town from UT for a week during Christmas break, so we did a lot with his family. We really had a lot of fun.

Magical Forest

Playing in the snow at Mt. Charleston (Jacob was there too :/)

Fun at the dry lake bed

Shooting with Dad and Grandpa

Took the kids to a Rebels game with Bed and Jud

Christmas morning was magical. And in a perfect world I would have a lot of pictures to show for that, but, again, I like to enjoy things without a camera in my hand.

They all got duck calls. They’re kind of big Duck Dynasty fans.

Lots more awesome presents are not pictured.

For New Years Eve, Bec, Jud, and Sadie came over to watch movies. We partied like it was 1999. They left at 11:30 because they are old. The rest of us stayed up until midnight to watch the fireworks on the strip from our third floor window. And maybe we blew up some balloons, drank sparkling cider, and made quiet noises so as to not wake the sleeping toddler.

Beginning Christmas Day our home has been plagued with all sorts of ailments from hand foot and mouth disease, which has overtaken each one of the children one by one, to sore throats, fevers, and Sunday morning Easton and Logan woke up sick with fevers and chest congestion. We are all congested, but those two are definitely the sickest of the brood. I don’t count myself sick unless I’m confined to my bed or the couch and, thank the heavens, so far I have not been.

In other news, I am 12 weeks pregnant. And in awesome news, I haven’t been sick at all. Like barely even for a minute I’ll feel nauseous only if my stomach is super empty, but the minute I eat or even drink a glass of water, I’m completely fine.  It’s been perfect. Like E and T’s pregnancies were. I heard the heartbeat and saw baby kick at 10 1/2 weeks, so hopefully everything is still going good. We should be having another baby sometimes around July 18th. Can’t wait!