10-28-11

I’m sitting here at 5:47 pm on a Friday evening wondering what we’re going to do tonight. The boys headed up to Cedar City with Adam and Angelica last night after our ward trunk-or-treat, so we are kidless for the second weekend in a row. It makes me think of another time I was kidless and telling my sister that I wouldn’t have to get a sitter for the night because the boys were with their dad to which she replied, “You take being divorced for granted.” Whenever I think of that I laugh, just because of the ridiculousness of the statement. She’s funny, but I will agree that the one perk of being divorced is that once in a while I get a break from my kids without having to pay someone to take them or feeling bad that someone else has them. They have so much fun visiting their little sister and cousins, and their dad and stepmom, so I don’t feel bad when they’re gone. I just miss their cute faces, but they’re never gone for more than a couple days.

Yesterday we went to my parents to say goodbye to my brother Adam who is moving to North Dakota this weekend. He got a job out there, so he’s leaving Vegas for a much much colder climate. His fiancé Amber and her son Anthony will likely be moving up there in February sometime too. It will be sad to not see them at Sunday dinners at my parents’, but it’s a good job for him. So I’m sure they’ll be happy there. I didn’t take any pictures of anything, so I’ve got nothing to show for our recent happenings. But they did happen.

10-17-11 Disappointment

I knew what it was right when I saw it. But instead I told myself, “No, that’s not a penis – girls don’t have penises so that can’t be a penis because I’m having a girl.” The ultrasound tech didn’t have to say anything because I knew. I know a penis when I see one. I can’t get away from them. Everyone that lives in this house, excluding me, has one, and I’ve seen enough. Now we’re going to add another one into this mix. Gone are the pretty things I dreamed of. The yellow and grey bedroom with ruffles and a “You Are My Sunshine” theme. No bows, no painted nails, no pierced ears, no dresses, no baby dolls, no prettiness or daintiness of any sort. Not in this house. The tech could probably see my eyes well up with tears, and I’m sure she thought I was a bad mother, but I was too disappointed to care. And I hate being disappointed – that sinking feeling in your gut when you know your hopes are dashed and there’s nothing you can do to control it. It’s out of your hands. You’re having another boy, and you happen to really like the other two, so suck it up.

But I wanted a girl so badly! With Easton, I wanted it to be a boy. I knew his name before I was pregnant with him. With Teagan, I wanted it to be another boy so that Easton would have a little brother for a little buddy. I also knew his name would be Teagan before I decided to get pregnant. But this one was a girl because that’s what I wanted, because I was so horribly sick for 8 weeks and lost weight and E and T’s pregnancies were nothing like that. Her name was going to be Emerlyn. She would have Jacob’s blue eyes, and the rest of her would look like me. I would dress her up like my own little play toy. Just me and Emerlyn and our pretty things that the other stinky boys in the house don’t care about.

I have no idea what this baby’s name will be. I can’t name him Emerlyn anymore because he has a penis that gets in the way of all my prior planning. Now he has no theme for his room, and he has no name.

Yes, I love him. Yes, he’ll be wonderful. Yes,  I’ll forget that I ever wanted him to be a girl, and I’ll remember that all I really want is another child to call my own. But today I’m going to sulk. Today I’m going to feel a little bit sorry for myself and the pretty things that are not going to be happening around here.

10-15-11

Tonight we took the boys to the Haunted Harvest at Springs Preserve. It wasn’t as fun as I hoped it would be, and I likely would not pay $20 again to do that next year, but I think they boys had a good time, and that’s what we did it for. They are both Batman this year, just different versions of him. I’ve realized that I just have to let my kids be what they want to be for Halloween because, after all, it is their holiday and not mine. Bec and Jud brought Sadie, but they left after we stopped at the candy stations where the kids got a whopping two pieces of candy that wasn’t very good.

 

Oh, and on Friday at our ultrasound, baby had it’s legs closed the whole time or the umbilical cord was between it’s legs when the legs were open. So we go back Monday morning to hopefully get a better look.

10-13-11

I don’t feel like there’s a lot going on right now besides being pregnant so I guess that’s why my blog is mainly about pregnancy these days. Tomorrow is the big day! Hopefully baby cooperates and lets us have a look at what’s going on between it’s legs. I’m hoping for a girl, but I don’t want to be disappointed if it’s a boy. I will be, but I don’t want to be. Here I am at 15 weeks. What a sight.

So much of me wished this was twins so that I could be done or only have one more left. Then all the comments about looking like I’m having twins wouldn’t be so offensive. Those comments haven’t started yet, but they will. I have felt pretty good for over a week now, which makes me frightened that my nurse midwife will not tell me that I lost weight at my next appointment. Not that I hope to lose weight, but to not gain weight would be dandy. I went running again Wednesday but I only did 2 miles and felt quite good afterwards. I would like to keep exercising just for the peace of mind that I’m doing what I can to keep my weight gain to a minimum.  I know, I know – weight shouldn’t matter so much to me, but it just honestly does and I don’t know that it ever won’t. I had one of those I’m-so-large-that-I-can’t-even-look-at-myself days yesterday. I really hate how I look pregnant. I hate how I look not pregnant so add being pregnant to that and it’s just a mess. I wish I could actually internalize that belief that I have that our worth is not dependent on what we look like or what we can and can’t do. I believe that, and I see worth in others, but to find worth in myself is just a never-ending pursuit. I was thinking tonight about when I was 20 and weighed 116 lbs - which I am far from at this point in my life - and sometimes, all I can think of is how I will finally feel like I’m “good enough” in the event that I can ever get back there. But I’ll be honest and tell you that at 116 lbs I felt just as fat and just as large as I feel now. I wasn’t enough then. I was so skinny, but I didn’t FEEL like I was. I felt uncomfortable and frumpy and always so self-conscious of my body, the exact same way I feel today and in all the days since then.

Enough – thin enough, pretty enough, talented enough, smart enough, cool enough. I hate enough because enough is an elusive concept, that goal that I am always chasing after. I am constantly redefining it when I get closer to what I thought enough was and then realize that for some reason I still feel as far from it as I was before I started.  Enough will always be beyond my reach if being enough is determined by checking off items on my list of Things That Make Me Good Enough because that list is constantly growing, and new or revised goals seem to be added to it daily.

Most of the time,  I’m the only one that has such unrealistic expectations of myself. Neal A. Maxwell said, “Some of us stand before no more harsh a judge than ourselves, a judge who stubbornly refuses to admit much happy evidence and who cares nothing for due process.” I believe that I’m enough to Heavenly Father, but being enough to myself is much harder.

I tell ya, being a woman is hard work. And being a pregnant woman is even harder.

10-8-11

I have felt pretty good for the past 5 days now. So today I went out and ran 3.1 miles and then walked .28. But after that I mostly wanted to die since I haven’t exercised for 8 weeks besides walking. Hopefully this feeling good stuff continues, and I can consistently work out now. The bad thing about feeling better is that I have to start cleaning again and actually do the laundry that Jacob has been doing for the past 7 weeks. Bless his heart. The other bad thing about feeling good is that I’m afraid I have more of an appetite now which translates into “Now I’m going to start packin on the pounds.” So there are perks to being sick, not going to lie. But it is pretty miserable to be sick all day, so I suppose I’ll take feeling healthy instead. I was 14 weeks yesterday, and in 6 days we find out what this little thing inside of me is.

We have had the most beautiful weather here in Vegas this past week. Cooler temperatures and even rain for a few days. Today the windows are open and a cool breeze is blowing through the house. Jacob just took the boys to his friend’s son’s birthday party. I would have gone but my run seriously killed me so I had to rest for a couple hours. We’re planning on going to our friends’ house tonight to watch the UFC fight. Life has been slightly uneventful so I don’t feel like there’s much to talk about. Halloween is coming up and so is our trip to Disneyland, which I am absolutely thrilled about. I cannot wait to take my sweet little lovies there! It will be Teagan’s first time, and I know he’s just gonna pee his pants with excitement when he’s there. We’re going with Bec and Jud, so it will be way too much fun. I just know it.