I knew what it was right when I saw it. But instead I told myself, “No, that’s not a penis – girls don’t have penises so that can’t be a penis because I’m having a girl.” The ultrasound tech didn’t have to say anything because I knew. I know a penis when I see one. I can’t get away from them. Everyone that lives in this house, excluding me, has one, and I’ve seen enough. Now we’re going to add another one into this mix. Gone are the pretty things I dreamed of. The yellow and grey bedroom with ruffles and a “You Are My Sunshine” theme. No bows, no painted nails, no pierced ears, no dresses, no baby dolls, no prettiness or daintiness of any sort. Not in this house. The tech could probably see my eyes well up with tears, and I’m sure she thought I was a bad mother, but I was too disappointed to care. And I hate being disappointed – that sinking feeling in your gut when you know your hopes are dashed and there’s nothing you can do to control it. It’s out of your hands. You’re having another boy, and you happen to really like the other two, so suck it up.
But I wanted a girl so badly! With Easton, I wanted it to be a boy. I knew his name before I was pregnant with him. With Teagan, I wanted it to be another boy so that Easton would have a little brother for a little buddy. I also knew his name would be Teagan before I decided to get pregnant. But this one was a girl because that’s what I wanted, because I was so horribly sick for 8 weeks and lost weight and E and T’s pregnancies were nothing like that. Her name was going to be Emerlyn. She would have Jacob’s blue eyes, and the rest of her would look like me. I would dress her up like my own little play toy. Just me and Emerlyn and our pretty things that the other stinky boys in the house don’t care about.
I have no idea what this baby’s name will be. I can’t name him Emerlyn anymore because he has a penis that gets in the way of all my prior planning. Now he has no theme for his room, and he has no name.
Yes, I love him. Yes, he’ll be wonderful. Yes, I’ll forget that I ever wanted him to be a girl, and I’ll remember that all I really want is another child to call my own. But today I’m going to sulk. Today I’m going to feel a little bit sorry for myself and the pretty things that are not going to be happening around here.
5 comments:
Awww friend, don't be sad, you will have your cute little girl named Emerlyn and she will look just like you and now have 3 older brother's to protect her! It will happen :)
My sister could give you some therapy! She has three boys and sounded just like you the day she found out. But... Now she loves her three stinky boys and says she wouldn't know what to do with a girl if she had one. Congrats! If he is healthy that is all that counts-ask me I know!
Take the time to feel sorry for yourself I say. That's a lot of testosterone going on in your home. You'll be ready to celebrate another boy soon enough.
I've always thought it takes super special moms to be mothers to so many boys. And I'm always right ;)
Congratulations... when you are ready to hear it :)
There's a book called "House of Testosterone". I read it before we had Josie. You should read it. It's hilarious and will totally make you proud to be a mother of boys (not that you won't be anyway - this new little one is going to be wonderful). Seriously though, this book is a fast read, it's funny, and awesome.
Oh Rachel!!!!! I know the feelings you are feeling.
When we found out Elsie was another girl....we were devistated. That sounds like a strong word to use....but we wanted a boy. We wanted a boy SO BAD!!!!!!! I wanted that baby to be the last one and it was gonna be a boy and it would be a perfect life.....but instead, along came our little Elsie Rose and life has never been sweeter!!!
Just keep trying Rachel....cause you need that little dark haired mini-me too :)
Congrats....I am so excited for you!
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