Monday, April 9th

I am thankful for moms. For my mom, for Jacob’s mom, and for my sister. I have been so tired, which is no surprise, and I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. Yesterday was just one of those days. I’m still cramping, breastfeeding is not working like I want it to, I’m still coughing, and Logan keeps me up at night. I get really emotional after I have a baby for at least a couple of weeks. I think the lack of sleep and this darn sickness that I’ve been suffering from for a couple weeks have just sucked the life out of me. This was seriously the worst sickness I think I have ever had. It just killed me, and it did the same to Becca. We were talking about it yesterday how weird we’ve felt, how we feel so disconnected from the world, and just how tired it’s made us. I am nearly over it, of course, but there’s this lingering tiredness and lack of energy. Plus I just had a baby, so I can’t tell what’s what. And my sister is suffering from such terrible morning sickness and can’t tell if she’s sick  from being pregnant or sick from the flu bug we got. Anyway, it’s all been very weird and tolling on our bodies. Thank goodness it’s over.

But I just had one of those days of feeling like I’m too tired to do it. Too tired to get out of bed, too emotional to take care of a newborn, and feeling like all of this lasts forever. I’ve had two babies, and I know the after baby stuff doesn’t last as long as it feels like it does. As we were leaving Jacob’s parents – which I didn’t get any pictures of – I was walking out to our car, fighting back tears, and they just started flowing. Why? Who even knows. From all of the above I guess. So I’m crying, the kids are getting into the van, Easton’s asking me, “What’s wrong, Mom? Are you okay?” And Jacob has no idea why I’m crying my face off either. Poor husbands with emotional wives. Anyway, I’m trying to pull it together before we get to my mom’s, but then I had a thought, it being Easter and all.

My brother-in-law Jayden had said something before we left Jacob’s parents about the Savior and how grateful he was that He felt all of our pains. As we drove in the car to my parents, I thought of the Savior, how he knows exactly what I feel to be the tired mom of 3, one of those 3 being a newborn. To Him, my exhaustion is not petty. It is not insignificant or trivial to Him that I’m still cramping and still coughing and dealing with hormonal changes and feeling incapable of dealing with it all. It is not a small thing that I feel so tired and emotionally spent, and He even understands it. I tried not to think of these things because then it just made me cry more to think that “surely he had borne my grief and carried my sorrows.”

As we pulled up to my parents, my husband stepped out of the car and hugged me because that’s all he could do. When I walked inside my parents and took my sunglasses off, my mom and sister look at me, ever so sympathetically, and my mom says, “Oh honey, what’s wrong?” That always just means, “Cry, I know you want to.” So then I start crying, my sister starts crying because she’s pregnant and emotional too, and our husbands and brother clear the room as quickly as they can to get away from the crazy women. I chuckle now at the thought of it all, the way men don’t know what to do when other women that aren’t their wives are crying. My poor young unmarried brother wondering what the heck all the crying is about. But my mom gets it, and my sister gets it, and on the way to my parents I was certain I was just going to put my face on and pretend that everything is fine. I’m not sure why we do that as women – why we put on those perfect faces and go about our lives as if there is nothing that can get us down or phase us. I think it’s our greatest downfall as women – this fear we have to appear as if we aren’t perfect. It’s just so silly that I would try to hold it in instead of talking to my mom and sister who’ve been there, done that, felt that too. I felt so much better after I talked to them and cried with my sister. It just reminded to stop trying to appear perfect  because nobody is. And we’d all benefit from sharing our burdens with each other once in a while. How else are we supposed to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort if we all pretend that we never mourn or that we never need comfort?

We had a really good Easter. We spent the first part of the day at Jacob’s parents hanging out with his family. His brother and sister-in-law are in town from Provo. After their house, we went to my parents’ house and that’s when all the crying went down. But we had fun after the crying stopped and watched the kids look for eggs and play together. I didn’t take many pictures because I was just too tired.

This morning Jacob’s mom came over and watched Logan for a few hours so I could sleep, and then she took the older boys to hang out with her and cousin Gavin for the day. They had so much fun, and I am grateful for a mom-in-law who will do anything to help me and our family. I really have great in-laws. So Logan and I spent the day together, and I got some stuff done around the house. I even made a trip to Target tonight after Jacob got home to get some stuff I needed for baby and myself. Now I’m off to bed, and hopefully my little nocturnal animal will sleep for me tonight. This too shall pass, right?

Just a little shot of my Logan today