Thursday, August 2nd

Last night at dinner, Teagan said to me, “I can’t eat dis dinner. I’m tired. I’m tired of my life.” And today that’s how I feel. Tired of my life. I generally love my life, but this week has been a disaster all thanks to being released from Young Women’s. I have cried over it every day this week, but I think today was the worst because the lady who took my spot (who I typically really like and I also happen to visit teach) messaged me and was like, “Let’s get together so you can fill me in and give me your binder.” Well I cried the minute I read her message. Just leave me alone, people, and let me mourn out the remainder of my existence because I was released from Young Women’s. I know, get some real problems, right? I must be a nut job, I had no idea I would be so emotional over such a thing. I feel like I just got divorced again. I’ve also been too mad and distraught to pray to not be mad and distraught about it. Does that make sense? I know that if I pray about it, Heavenly Father will assure me that getting released and put into cub scouts is the right thing for me, and I don’t want it to be the right thing for me because then I have to accept and embrace it. I don’t want to do that, so instead I’m just going to be stubborn and prideful and cry for a while and then I’ll come to my senses and pray that Heavenly Father will help me to feel okay with this change in my life. Anyone reading this might wonder why I’m being so ridiculous, but I had no idea it would feel this bad to be released from Young Women’s. It’s like they said, “Here, Sister Edgel – we want you to take these young women and love them and make them yours and pray for them and worry for them and then BAM!!! We’re gonna take them away from you and leave you with nothing more than your tears.” What kind of trick is that? What did I ever do to them?

I have been doing my darn exercising and eating right for a month now, and I haven’t lost a pound. My clothes fit the same. Nothing has changed, except that I feel greatly discouraged about all of it, like I just need to accept that I’m always going to be size fat (I know, I’m on a negativity roll tonight). I just want to lose 20-30 measly little pounds. And I’m putting the work in, so it’s not like I’m just sitting on my keester wishing the weight away. I’m doing my part, but I’m getting no results. And it’s so frustrating! I know all these tiny little women that eat whato they want and don’t work out and drink soda for breakfast and eat fast food all the time, and they’re skinny. I have to try so hard, and in trying so hard it’s all just to keep looking like this. Ugh.

Now the other thing bothering me today is the fact that Jacob needs to make more money but he also needs to go to school. I know that many women manage with their husbands working full time and going to school full time, but I’m not one of those women. I have to see my husband. He is my sanity at the end of a long day of fighting children. He is my sweetie, and I need him in my life to enjoy him and be my friend. So he can’t go to school full time and work full time because I need a husband and my children need a father. So right now he’s working, but when school starts, what does that mean? We go into a crazy amount of debt for school and to cover our living expenses? I’ve considered getting my substitute teaching license after this semester is over so that maybe I can sub a couple days a week while he is going to school, but that’s not going to pay the bills. And then someone would have to watch the boys.

Some people have cancer or sick kids or dying family members. I know. But today it’s okay for my small things to feel big. Sometimes I think it’s okay to feel sad for a day (or for a lot of days if you get thrown out of your calling unexpectedly). And the nice thing is that the Savior understands our gigantic problems and even the little ones that might seem so small to everyone else but are kind of a big deal for the day. I think my sadness matters to Him.

Moving on – I woke up early this morning (6:50) and went for a run. It was still so hot while the sun was hitting me, so I might have to wait until late September to go running outside again. I just can’t hang with working out in the heat. It felt so good, though, to be done with working out by 8am. I have a goal to get up early every morning and get my work-out done so that it doesn’t take time away from the boys in the day. I don’t have a lot of time since Logan only takes two 2-hour naps, and I feel like I’ve been using his naps to work out and get ready. I want to be able to devote more attention to the older ones while he’s sleeping instead of worrying about myself. I feel like the more children you have you inevitably will have to begin working out in the hours before the children are awake so that you aren’t taking time away from your children.  So that’s my goal – work out and get ready before the children wake up. And luckily my children don’t wake up until 9, so I really don’t have to get up too early. When school starts in a few weeks, I will have to be up by 6, though, or Easton won’t make it to school on time.

How cute is this little man with his Yoda ears? He was a dream baby today. He was very good yesterday too. He’s a such a wonderful sleeper, I thank the Lord for it every day. He’s been more content to hang out on the couch in his mombo or on his playmat on the floor or in his bumbo on the counter while I make dinner. And what big help the boys have been with entertaining him and making him happy. Easton is seriously WONDERFUL with Logan. He is such a help, particularly if Logan gets fussy in the car. Easton will sit next to him and smile and make goofy faces and sing silly songs, and my little Logan will just light up with happiness. I absolutely love those moments. My children are darling, and I love them. But someone tell me how to get the older two to stop fighting before I go insane!

I took Logan to a chiropractor today who specializes in kinesiology and natural things because Mr. Logan is a terrible pooper. As time has gone on, it’s gone from once every other day to now once ever 4 or 5 days. Hopefully the treatment Dr. McKay did will help Logan’s bowels to regulate. You become a parent and suddenly the digestive functioning of your child’s body becomes a constant worry. Who knew. Who knew I would delight so much in the event of Logan pooping.

And oh, this little man has been so smiley lately! He loves to hold a little blankie or burpie in his hands and just suck on it. He always gets so excited and starts kicking and flailing when I put the blanket on him and immediately smiles, clenches it, and brings it right to his face to bury his mouth in it. So cute. And he is all smiles at bed time. It’s so hard to put to bed such a sweet and smiley baby. He’s sooo snuggly at bed time, and I could just snuggle him forever. I love his smell. I love his feet. I love to kiss his drooly mouth. I love it when he wraps his little hand around my finger. I love his squeals. I love his face. I just can’t get enough of him right now. He’s perfect.

I went to the Temple last night for Tyler’s finace’s endowment. They are getting married this Saturday. Jacob was working, so he didn’t go. I think we’ve been home otherwise for the rest of the week. Actually, on Monday I took the boys to Becca’s for a play date with our friend Sherrelle and her little boy Colton. After swimming for a couple hours, they left and the boys and I stayed late watching some of the Olympic gymnastics. But that’s all. I’ve just been home the rest of the time.

Well, I’ve got to get my big boys to bed and then myself to bed so that I can get up early and work out. I feel much better now after writing. Writing is my place of zen. And so is Target. And so is Sonic Ice. And when I’m not too mad to pray, so is Heavenly Father. I should probably say my prayers. Well I’ve been saying my prayers, but I haven’t been praying about what’s bothering me cause I don’t have time to cry, so I’ve sort of been saying guarded prayers. I need to pray about what’s really bothering me. Let my guard down. Sometimes I just have to take the time to cry to Heavenly Father, and then all my problems seem a lot sillier.