Sunday, August 12th

Pretty sure that today was a terrible day. Logan has been having these constipation problems lately, and his fussiness reached an all-time high today. He woke up at 6:30 am crying, and he never wakes up before 9 am. He was trying so hard to poop and just in so much pain. He spent most of the day crying, straining with all of his might only to end up with little pebbles in his diaper. He did that about 6 times today. And me, well I’m not one to handle things without getting anxiety and going into panic mode. I’d like to be one of those people that didn’t get stressed out of her mind over silly little problems, like babies not sleeping or being fussy, but I just don’t have the capacity to deal. I’m just someone that gets by, but I don’t thrive. By nature I am just not that person. If life is not well, I am not well. Unless I am medicated :).

Anyway, Logan was pretty fussy yesterday too. Jacob and I are perhaps alike in the way that we get stressed out easily, and there was one point that Logan wouldn’t stop crying yesterday, and I said to Jacob, “Are we sure we want more of these?!” He said, “Let’s just adopt two older children.” Agreed.  I was having an emotional day yesterday (sometimes there are just days like that, and it’s entirely unrelated to PMS), so I ended up crying to Jacob after we finished saying our prayers. I’m pretty sure I said, “Don’t you ever feel like you’ve been praying for certain things for forever to no avail and wonder if you should just give up and quit praying for them? Obviously, He’s not going to answer it.” Now on a normal day, I don’t think like that, but sometimes there are days when you just do. And I don’t even have really big trials in my life right now, just small persistent ones that I’m a little tired of. That’s all.

My husband makes me laugh. He said after all my complaining, “You know that footprints in the sand story where there’s only one set of footprints during the hardest time of your life and the Lord tells you it’s because He carried you through it? Sometimes I think , ’What, did he throw me in a sack and drag me over jagged rocks or shards of broken glass and call that carrying? I would rather have walked.’” We were both laughing by the end of that, and of course we don’t believe that. But occasionally, it feels like that. Like the refining was a little TOO purifying, the trial just a little bit TOO long. But the Lord knows best. He always knows best.