I can’t really remember what has gone on this week. It’s kind of been a blur since I haven’t blogged at all. I went school shopping for Easton. School starts tomorrow for all of us, and I don’t know whether to cry or be excited about that. And Logan was really good this week. No fussy baby here.
Joe and Laura got officially engaged tonight, and we are thrilled. Their date is set for November 30th, and Adam and Amber are set for October 26th. So two weddings in row, and my parents will no longer have any single children. How fun for our family. All my dad keeps thinking is “more grandkids.”
Pretty sure Amber doesn’t want any more kids, but we’ll see if that stays. I will probably do some engagement pictures of Adam and Amber when he is in town next week from North Dakota. They have a long distance relationship since he’s been working out there.
Today at church our talks in sacrament and our lesson in relief society seemed to be just what I needed. Life is full of trials, some big, some small, and sometimes you just get caught up in the bleakness of it all that you forget how many prayers have been answered and how many blessings have been poured out upon you from the hand of the Lord. The sacrament talks were about trials and enduring them well and the relief society lesson was about sacrifice. In relief society the teacher today showed a short video clip about the Savior in the garden of gethsemane. It portrayed very well the absolute bitterness of what He took upon Himself in the garden for our sake. There is a scene where He collapses from the weight of it all, in utter agony - His body, mind and soul clearly consumed by the pain of the Atonement - and then you see a glowing being appear and simply put an arm on the Savior’s back, just to steady Him for a moment and and perhaps bring Him up from the depths of complete loneliness.
I, of course, have never known and will never know anguish to the extent that the Savior has, but I have felt pretty alone many times in my life. An instance came to my mind of a night when I was living with my sister when Adam and I were separated. I had many tough nights because I hated going to bed and sleeping alone staring at a pillow that he was supposed to be sleeping on. But some nights were worse than others. I remember one night feeling particularly alone as I got ready for bed and looked over to his side and thought about how he wasn’t there, and I didn’t know what he was doing but I knew that it was something that was enslaving his soul in some way. I felt sadness for him, for losing himself to the world, and I felt sadness for myself for being pregnant and abandoned and unable to bring him back to me and unable to help Easton deal with his dad not being there. On this night, I so clearly remember the feeling of absolute loneliness, feeling like I just could not do it tonight. I couldn’t be alone in my bed facing his pillow, and tonight nobody could bring me up out of this despair. I remember feeling exactly that way. But I got on my knees anyway, like I did every night, and I cried and I prayed for something, anything, to help me through. And I was able to end that prayer, get up off my knees, and get in my bed feeling not so lonely and not so despairing, and I was able to fall asleep and sleep soundly. It might seem like a small thing, but nights were daunting, and that night my burden was lifted. When I watched that video in relief society I remembered that feeling of my own less-severe loneliness, and I remember that something equal to my own heavenly being comforted me and I was able to go on and face the day with an assurance that the Lord had not and would not abandon me to my own despair.
“Surely He has borne our grief and carried our sorrow . . .” He truly has, and I know it.
I hate it when my plans don’t work out. At least that’s what it feels like in the moment where you are giving up something that you wanted because Heavenly Father has a BETTER plan for you, and you just don’t know it yet.
If life had gone according to my plans, I wouldn’t be married to Jacob. I am grateful that sometimes Heavenly Father intervenes and takes over the reins for a while to get me to greener pastures. I might have stopped in the barren wasteland and set up camp because I had no idea that a better, more beautiful place even existed and was waiting for me. Jacob is my greener pasture, and when new trials come and I feel upset that things aren’t happening like I’m praying for them to, I remind myself of where I was and where I am now, all thanks to my plans not panning out accordingly.
I love this quote that I shared in this post : “We must be willing to let go of the live we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
Now I’m off to bed. It is late, and school comes early, but I am grateful for this day.
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