4-6-11 I Love My Children . . .

But that doesn’t mean that I love EVERYTHING that they do all the time. Teags has been so fussy since we picked him up from Adam’s on Sunday. Sometimes he can get in these moods where he’s just unhappy with life and nobody can do anything to make him feel any better about it. It’s hard, I always feel like he’s struggling with some sort of suppressed emotions because he feels like his mom might leave him at any time. I feel like it stems back to when I left him for a week on my honeymoon and then a week later he had to leave again because I had surgery and couldn’t lift him. It may sound crazy and people would argue that he’s only 2, but he’s a different Teagan since those events. And now I feel like when he’s away from me for more than a day all these old feelings of abandonment come up and he gets fussy. These are all my own observations, of course, but it makes me worried. Now that Adam has moved to Cedar, Teags will have to be away from me for more than a day, and I don’t feel like it’s the best for him. Not because seeing Adam is bad for him but because being away from his mom seems to create feelings of abandonment and insecurity in my little guy. Not really sure what to do about it, but it feels better to write it out.

So on Monday Teags was in another one of those fussy moods and, in his anger, chucked his sippy cup at our  2-month-old flat screen tv and broke it. And now it looks like this.

  Easton came running up the stairs telling us that Teagan broke the tv, so we ran downstairs to find this. It’s one of those times that you have to remind yourself that a little child is worth more than a television, but at the same time you’re thinking about the 500 bucks that you just flushed down the toilet. Needless to say, I was in tears, Teags was on my last nerve, so Jacob called his mom to pick him up, and I was on the phone crying to my mom that I’m a terrible mother and Teagan hates me. It was one of THOSE days. Where you look around and all you can see are the bitter fruits of your failing as a mother, or so you think.

I just feel helpless a lot of times with Teagan, like something is bothering him and I can’t figure out how to fix it. And I’m a mom – I fix things for a living. So when I can’t I just feel like an utter failure.  I hope his little temper will improve and my ability to respond to him positively will also improve. One can only hope or we’ll all go crazy with frustration and insanity.

On another note, I feel it is appropriate to mention how sweet and compassionate my little Easton is. Sunday night after we got back from UT, I was standing in the kitchen, and I snapped at Jacob about Teagan hating me, to which Jacob gave me a look because he could tell that I was deeply upset. And of course that look made me cry because it was a look of, “Honey, tell me your sorrows”. So, like some kind of crazy crying lady, I start crying right in the middle of the kitchen that Teagan hates me and I’m a terrible mom who can’t help her child. Easton and Teagan were sitting at the table, and the instant I started crying Easton was at my side saying, “Mom, don’t cry, Teagan does love you. Why else would he cry all the time when you leave? Of course he loves you.” Then he made a face at Teagan, saying Look what you did, Teagan, and I couldn’t help but smile as all 3 of boys are at my side trying to soothe the crazy crying lady in the middle of the kitchen.

Easton is so often emotionally wise beyond his years. I remember another day that I had been snapping at them all day and was finally looking back on my day thinking about all the damage I had done to their sweet little souls, so I called my mom to get some sort of validation as a mother. Of course I started crying (I think it’s important to note that crying is kind of my thing – I do it regularly to let things out) and telling my mom I’m not a good mother, and Easton heard and says to me, “Of course you’re a good mom! I love you!” So I said, “No I’m not, Easton. I’ve just spent the whole day yelling at you.” And with all the purity and magnificence that he possesses he says, “ I don’t even care, Mom. You can yell at me all the time. You’re the best mom and I love you!” I think I often wonder how such an amazing child came to me to call me mom. He is a blessing in our home, and he often gets beat and shoved around by a grumpy little brother. But oh, how he loves that little brother and will sing him to sleep at night and cuddle him with hugs and kisses until Teagan inevitably hits him in the head with something.

Teagan can be tough, but he is equally amazing in his fun personality and happy little eyes and silly faces, and I feel blessed to be the mother to two amazing boys who are so different from each other, but both wonderful in their own ways. I find motherhood to somehow be my greatest joy and greatest trial simultaneously. But it’s who I am, and I just want to be good at what I am supposed to do best.

I could just kiss these faces.