I dropped the boys off with their other dad this morning. It's his day for the boys. I don't like sharing my kiddos sometimes, but then it's nice to get a day to do stuff. And it's only for a day, so after I cram everything into that day that I need to get done, it actually goes by very quickly, and my lovies are home before I know it.
Jacob and I went to the Temple today (twice in one week!) for our friend Amanda who went through for her first time. I just did her engagement pictures - they're getting married in August. Afterwards we went to Amanda's for a barbeque and swimming, and we had a really fun evening with several of our friends that were there. Then off to fight night at Juddy's brothers. Busy day!
When Jacob and I were driving home tonight I got to complaining about myself - typical :). I don't know if society puts the pressure on me or if I just put it on myself, but dangit, I'm never enough! I start naming off this woman who has six kids and looks like she just stepped off the cover of Sports Illustrated or that woman who's never been fat a day in her life and can eat whatever she wants or another woman who's never had to be on medication that made her fat, and I start getting really bitter and critical of myself. Thank goodness I've got a sweet man that says to me, "Babe, it's only Satan that wants you to feel like that. It's not about what your body looks like, and women need to stop thinking like that. " Good man, I know.
I just can't seem to be in that place where I look in the mirror and say, "I like me. I like who I am." And why? It all goes back to this - I don't have the body that I want, and if I don't have the body that I want, then what am I worth? If I'm going to be honest, that's exactly what I feel. I recognize that this is a bad thought, that far too many women think this way and absolutely shouldn't, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't want my self-worth to be based on whether I can lose the weight I want to lose, how flat my tummy is, how chiseled my hamstrings are, or how perky or fake my breasts are because I know for a fact that at the end of the day none of those things matter. If that was all that mattered then all the beautiful women in Hollywood wouldn't get cheated on. I'm so tired of falling into that trap. I'm so tired of labeling myself as fat or thin, worth something or not worth what the woman with perfect body is worth because my body is not perfect like hers. I know that I'm not the only one that thinks like this. And I HATE how this thinking makes me feel. I'm a mother and a wife, and I have so much to offer, and it's got nothing to do with my body. I can say those words out loud, and hopefully I can get to the point where I can internalize and actually live that belief.
At the end of the day I have two beautiful boys, one who tells me, "I'm so glad you're my mama." It nearly takes my breath away when I think of how much love is spilling out of my heart for him and his brother. I have a husband that tells me I'm beautiful, amazing, everything he could ever want, and he doesn't say these things out of duty or obligation but because he actually believes it. And my body wasn't perfect when he found and fell in love with me. I always tell him that he took one for humanity when he married me (partly serious, partly kidding). I have him and Easton and Teagan at the end of the day, and doesn't that make each day perfect?
I forget all the time that I am a daughter of God, not a meaningless person needing to be grouped with all the "beautiful" people in society to actually matter. When I forget who I am, that's when I start going through the list alphabetically of everything that's wrong with Rachel. That's when I want to have what matters according to the world. The sad thing is that we accept and agree with the world's list of What One Must Have to be Worth Something. And I don't want to do it anymore. Not for one more second.
So something I like about myself - I am a creative little crafter, although the last time I got to do something crafty was a while ago. That's a talent, right? I know, I'm really stretching here, but I'm learning to like myself. It's hard work when you've got to change your thinking!
1 comment:
Satan messes with the skinny girls too. "You're too skinny, you have no butt, no, boobs, and what little you have hit your knees, you look like a 2X4 with a bobble head on top". Funny, but no one is happy with what they have. Satan does a good job of messing with our heads! You are beautiful, and don't you forget it. I have known that since the first time I saw you!
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