Wednesday, September 3rd

I can’t help but feel apprehensive as I sit here blogging. Jacob is in bed, the boys are in bed, and Emmy is sleeping. So that means I should be too, especially considering that I need to take advantage of every opportunity to catch up on my rest. I know the baby will wake up as soon as I go to bed, but lately this is the only time I have to piece together whatever is left of my sanity. I don’t mean this as a complaint because I love what I do. I love this calling of motherhood. But some days I feel like I’m carrying the world, particularly after I have a baby and deal with my own psychological troubles and sleep deprivation. I feel like I’m giving more than I’ve got, running on fumes, getting by on nothing but the grace of God. And isn’t that what mothers do?

There’s so much to get done in a day. So many little lives to be responsible for. When I see women with 5 or 6 or more children, it amazes the daylights out of me. My mom had 5, and it was normal to me. I knew she was a wonderful mother, but not until I’ve had children of my own do I really understand how wonderful she was/is. In comparison, taking care of my 4 seems almost easy, like these supermoms could do it with their eyes closed. And, yet, I often feel like I’m drowning underneath a pile of everything that didn’t get done or that I didn’t do well enough or just did altogether wrong.

After I took the boys to school this morning, I went grocery shopping  with Logan and Emerlynn. Then we came home, and I put everything away before feeding and taking care of the baby while Logan ran wild and free around the house. With my attention more focused on Emmy right now, Logan has been a bit more mischievous. Every time I turn around he’s got his hands in some sort of mess-making trouble. And that’s just what we need around here – more messes. Then it was time to pick the boys up, run to Costco, get dinner made before scouts and Easton’s basketball practice, and come home and make sure the boys had done their homework and nightly reading and chores and showered and into bed. After all of that, we didn’t even get our family scripture reading done. Fail. After ALL of that, failure. I feel like so many days are like that. We’re filling our days with a hundred consuming demands and letting the most important things – the ones that sustain us – go undone. Most days I just wish I had it more together, and I suppose that’s what tomorrow is for.

I saw a quote on FB tonight that said “I lost myself when I became a mother but I found someone even more important” or something like that. It made me smile. It made me think of that scripture about losing your life in the service of God and actually finding it by doing so. We mothers really do have the world on our shoulders.  And, thankfully, the Lord is just a prayer away to make that world a bit lighter.