It is hard to watch people that you love struggle through the trials that you hoped they would never have to face, especially those really difficult trials that you wouldn’t wish on the people you don’t even like because the trials are just that miserable to go through.
One of my very hardest and most faith-trying struggles was my separation and divorce from Adam. Crying was just part of the daily routine. Pleading with Heavenly Father to save my marriage, to bring my husband back to me, was just what I did all day long. I was in survival mode for what felt like a very long and lonely time. But I still had happiness - happy times with family, friends, and my oh so sweet little Easton and later Teagan when he arrived. And I had happiness in the hope that everything would work out. I knew everything would work out because I just had that trust in Heavenly Father that He would really bless me if I was faithful. I look back on my thoughts then, and while I knew it would work out and all would be well, I had an entirely different idea of what “working out” was. Three years ago, I knew that Adam was going to come back and decide that he really did love me and wanted to be married to me and we’d go along our merry way so happy together. When I thought of things working out, that was what I saw. Me with Adam and our two little boys.
I remember the great disappointment and that inner struggle in coming to grips with the fact that he wasn’t coming back and he didn’t love me. I remember that sense of betrayal that I felt wash over me, and for a little while I was angry with Heavenly Father because He didn’t live up to His promise that things would work out. Clearly things were not working out if Adam and I were getting divorced and tearing apart our eternal family, I supposed. I remember feeling let down because I had trusted so much in Heavenly Father’s ability to fix that oh-so-important marriage, and I knew that He would because I had the faith to bring about that miracle. How many times I prayed for Him to do for Adam what He did for Alma and the sons of Mosiah, to cause some great soul-changing event to happen that would send Adam running back to me so that everything would “work out” the way I assumed it should. I have learned that even the good things, like saving an eternal marriage, aren’t always the will of Heavenly Father if He has to impose upon someone’s agency to grant another person that blessing. He couldn’t give me a happy marriage with Adam if Adam wouldn’t give me a happy marriage with Adam. I see it so clearly now that “working out” doesn’t mean that things will go as we want them to or hope they will. But they will go a better way, Heavenly Father’s way. I don’t mean that Heavenly Father’s will is to let marriages fail, but His will is to let His children choose. And for the ones that don’t get to see things work out in they way they hoped, even if that was a good and righteous way, He will show them a higher and better way of things really actually working out. Three years later, and I can say I really know that now.
My brother has been dealing with a failing marriage, and while I know how he feels, it is difficult to sit back and watch him hope and wonder why he can’t fix it. I remember being there. The beginning and middle of a refinement are so difficult and agonizing – the soul muscles are being stretched and beaten and ripped apart, and it’s just painful. It’s so hard to see anything but the pain when you are in those stages of the refinement. It’s so hard to lift your head up and see that the sky is blue and the sun is shining and there is happiness all around you when you are dealing with a trial that is working hard, in a way that appears to be against you, to smooth out your rough edges. As I was talking to my brother tonight, he said that he wishes he could just wake up when it was all over, and I jokingly said, “But then you’d miss all the good stuff.” He just looked at me with those weary eyes that don’t see yet what he will see in a year or two, and said, “Good? What could possibly be good about this?”
I just felt his pain because I’ve been there, and it hurts to be there. It hurts so terribly horribly excruciatingly bad to be fighting for a spouse who doesn’t love you the way you love them and to feel that rejection and betrayal from the one who is supposed to love you the most. When he asked what good could possibly come from this, I just started to cry. I know where he is because I was there, but now I’m here, and I said to him, “ I learned the most important things of my life in those times when I was struggling to save a marriage that I couldn’t save. It has made me who I am. And yes, it was horrible and hard and I just wanted it to be over, but I learned what really matters and doesn’t matter. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything because it has made me stronger and more appreciative of the marriage I have now. I am here now because of what I went through then.” I’m not sure how much of that he could internalize because he’s not here yet. He’s still there. I also told him about how I learned to be happy and that from that trial I learned that happiness does not depend upon what happens outside of you – it’s about what happens inside of you.
I talk to Jacob about these things often. I have learned much about happiness and how not to let my happiness depend upon other people or anything that’s happening outside of me. I learned to trust in Heavenly Father’s will because His way is the better way. I learned that I can live on very little money and drive ugly old cars and have a house with no backyard if I have a husband that loves me and sweet little children to surround me. I learned how to forgive someone that hurt me worse than I have ever been hurt in my life and to actually have kind feelings for him and not be out to spite him. I learned that there are real problems in the world, and I’m not going to cry over spilled milk. I can help people deal with what they’re dealing with because of what I’ve been through. I’ve learned (although I keep having to learn this one again) that my worth doesn’t depend upon what anyone thinks of me, not even my husband. I’ve learned that I can do hard things. I’ve learned that trials can be long and oh so hard, but without them we wouldn’t be able to “have this view.” And I’m certain that when there were none that could comfort me, when there were none that could take away the pain or make up for the absence of my husband whose arms I just wanted to be comforted by which were ironically the same arms that threw me away, that I could kneel in a sobbing prayer, unable to bear anymore pain or loneliness, and the Lord would lift my soul. He would lift my soul in a way that only He can. He is my greatest source of comfort and light and hope, and in Him there is a way up and a way out. From sin, from pain, from loneliness – He is the escape from all of it. And while we always know these things, it is those trials that cause us to understand His great and matchless love with a deeper and more personal knowledge because we haven’t just read about it or heard about it – we’ve felt it through out entire being. When I list all of the things that I’ve learned – and there are so many more that I haven’t listed – that is the good stuff that I was talking about when I said that to my brother. Our heartbreaks become beautiful heartbreaks when we see them in that light.
This is the song Beautiful Heartbreak by Hillary Weeks. It is everything that I am feeling right now and whenever I think of my trials. My favorite line is definitely “Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I’m here I would never trade.” I love this view. The one that I see now, and I paid a price to get here. Which makes the view that much sweeter.
These are the words:
I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.
Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.
Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I would never trade...
The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak
No comments:
Post a Comment