10-28-10 To Really Forgive

I said a month ago that I had some thoughts to blog, but I never got around to doing it. For posterity’s sake I know I must.

"Of course one of the added tragedies in transgression is that even if we make the effort to change, to try again, to come back, others often insist upon leaving the old labels with us. . .When a battered, weary swimmer tries valiantly to get back to shore after having fought strong winds and rough waves which he should never have challenged in the first place, those of us who might have had better judgment, or perhaps just better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him with our oars, and shove his head back underwater. That’s not what boats were made for. But some of us do that to each other." - Jeffrey R. Holland

I remember reading this quote when going through things with Adam. When he started getting back on track again, I had to remind myself that I couldn’t push his head back underwater. I had to let go, I had to forgive and not just forgive in theory but really let go of the anger and, even harder, the hurt.

I remember a lesson in gospel doctrine in Jacob’s home ward that talked about forgiveness. A person in the class had told a story about a woman that had left her family in their old ward, went off and sowed her wild oats, and then later decided to come back and try to fix her mistakes. Some ward members welcomed her back, but others couldn’t let go of all the pain and anger and condemnation they had for her. I remember how personally I could relate to that story. I remember deciding that I would never do that to someone who was trying to come back.

I don’t think we intentionally want to hold things over someone’s head. I think what we struggle with in forgiving is finding a way to let it go and get past it without CONDONING or ACCEPTING the wrong that was committed, without feeling like we are saying, “It’s okay what you did – no biggie.” That’s what I struggled with. I’d say, “If I let this go, I’m saying it was no big deal. I’m condoning it. But it was a BIG DEAL, and I can’t let him forget that.” It’s hard to find the balance between the two sometimes. I don’t have forgiveness mastered, but I have come to see that it’s okay to let even the greatest offense against you go without saying it’s okay that it happened. I’m not sure how exactly we get to that point, but I just know that I did.

Alma was once the very vilest of sinners and became one of the greatest prophets in the BOM. What if someone had shoved his head back underwater when he was trying to come up for air? What if he couldn’t rid himself of old labels? When I think of that I remember that we aren’t here to see who can sin the least or the smallest. We’re here to learn the most we can, to change our hearts, and find our way back to our Heavenly Father. Some just choose to walk a longer and harder path back to Him. The important thing is that we don’t yell to those farther out, to those who have fallen deeper into darkness and sin than we might have thus making their return more difficult, that they might as well quit walking.