10-22-10 Love in Marriage

I remember back when I was trying to fix my marriage with Adam, I came across a lot of talks that were of great strength to me and gave me great hope for my marriage.  I would e-mail them to him in hopes that he would read them and come back to me, but I don’t think he ever read them. If he did they didn’t work :). They would have worked had he tried, that I’m sure of, because then we both would have been trying.

I e-mailed a friend who’s struggling in their marriage some of the same talks that gave me a lot of  hope when I felt all hope was lost. Though my marriage to Adam wasn’t saved, I have to apply the same principles to the marriage I’m in now. 

I think because of the fact that I’m divorced and see how real and easy it is for such an awful thing to happen, I’m more cautious and aware of what’s going on in my marriage now. Maybe sometimes I’m a little too fearful of that happening again, not because I’m unhappy or because Jacob and I don’t have much love and happiness, but because I never imagined that it would ever happen to me once. Divorce was for other people, and I was certain that I would never be a victim of it. Not me, not ever. I wouldn’t give up on my marriage.  I was humbled greatly after I was divorced because I had previously assumed that all marriages ended because BOTH people gave up. I know now that all it takes is one person giving up, one person turning away, one person “falling out of love” and not wanting to give his heart or concern to fixing it.  It takes one person using his agency in a way that is not conducive to their eternal goal of marriage.

I remember being told by Adam that I never fulfilled him, that he didn’t love me anymore. ( P.S Adam has made great changes in his life and is now active in the gospel again, so I don’t say these things to talk badly about him.)  That’s when I found a talk called Agency and Love in Marriage by Lynn G Robbins. Here are just a few points that I love:

“We know that any commandment by God involves agency. We can obey or disobey, but there is always a choice. Therefore, in Matthew 22, verses 37 and 39, when the Lord says, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,” and “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself,” [Matt. 22:37, 39] He is not saying, “I hope you ‘fall in love’ with your neighbor.” The command is a directive, an appeal to the mind to make a conscious choice, involving the mind in reasoning and decision making. The Savior made it clear that love was a command to be obeyed—a command upon which “all the law and the prophets” hang (Matt. 22:40). To achieve a Christlike love we must overcome the natural man (see Mosiah 3:19), control natural impulses, and even love our enemies (see Matt. 5:44). This is a command that requires a decision.

“Too many believe that love is a condition, a feeling that involves 100 percent of the heart, something that happens to you. They disassociate love from the mind and, therefore, from agency. In commanding us to love, the Lord refers to something much deeper than romance—a love that is the most profound form of loyalty. He is teaching us that love is something more than feelings of the heart; it is also a covenant we keep with soul and mind.

“Thus we have seen that while a person may “fall in love” with a spouse by emotion, the husband or wife progresses and blossoms in love by decision.

Scripturally, the Lord is very clear with us on this doctrine—you can’t “fall out of love,” because love is something you decide. Agency plays a fundamental role in our relationships with one another. This being true, we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not “fall into,” strong, loving marriages and families. “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry (Spencer W Kimball).”

This talk makes it abundantly clear that love is a choice, and we can’t fall out of it. We can decide to not do it but a lack of love is ultimately a lack of doing,  a lack of trying, a lack of effort on our part.  I love what Spencer W. Kimball says - “Don’t just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry.” It’s great advice, and I will use it for all of my life so that I won’t have to fix my marriage. We don’t have to wait for our marriages to be broken to fix them.