Some Deep Stuff

I rarely, if ever, post anything on my blog about feelings or thoughts of serious reflection. But I was in bed last night after Easton had already fallen asleep, and I was thinking of my life - things that I don't so much like about it and things that I love about it. There are definitely more things that I love than don't love so much.

My little Easton is a blessing to me each day. Sometimes I look at him while he sleeps and wonder if I've been good enough to him or taught him enough, loved him enough, or just been a good enough mother. But he wakes up every single morning right next to me and breathes his stinky little breath in my face and tells me, Hi Mom! I missed you. You love me? Even though he spent the whole night sleeping next to me, he tells me he missed me. I love how children are filled with such goodness and the ability to love unconditionally. I love that the worst parts of his life are that commercials are interrupting his favorite show or he isn't allowed to have any more popsicles. I love that my kisses make anything better, and when I've cried he comes to me and kisses me and then says, "You not sad anymore. I right here, Mom, I right here, k?" And it's like everything that was so huge becomes a little bit smaller. The little person that he is amazes me, and being his mom is my favorite job to wake up to each day.

I was also thinking about the love that Heavenly Father gives to me, the burdens that He lifts when I didn't think that they could be lifted. A lot of the times we'd like to help those around us and say that we understand their pain or struggles, but we often don't really know what it's like to feel the magnitude of the burdens they are bearing. When my friend lost her 9 week old baby earlier this year, I wanted to tell her that I felt her pain or knew what she must be feeling, but I didn't. I see how the Savior took upon Himself our personal and individual pains. Not just pain or sorrows or sickness in general, but He felt what Rachel Budge would feel at this time on this day in this situation. He didn't just feel what it felt like to lose a loved one. He felt what Heather felt when she lost sweet baby Jacey. He felt our little pains, our big ones, and since we all feel things differently He felt our individual feelings so that there would be One who could say, I've been there, I've done that, and your pain was my pain. And I get that, that when I just want someone to know what I feel, that He knows, probably even more so than I know my own sorrows.

I read a great quote yesterday. "Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind." That was by Joseph Smith. I've thought of people that I have known in my life that have gotten caught up in the world and it's ugliness, and so often I have thought, "Wow, you're dumb for ruining your life." Have I ever taken a "sinner" by the hand and watched over that person with tenderness? Have I prayed for that person or was I too busy being angry at them and condemning them for hurting people that I loved or knew that didn't deserve to be hurt? Joseph Smith continued to say "The nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs.... If you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another." Anyway, I'm not sure why these quotes really hit me like they did, but they did.

One last thing. It's about hope. In the Ensign this month President Uchtdorf spoke about hope, and I loved his talk. Some things stuck out to me. "There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope. Like Father Abraham, we will 'against hope [believe] in hope.' ... And to all who suffer -- to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely -- I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."

See? That's some deep stuff. But it was on my mind and thought that I should record it. I'm just grateful that I am as blessed as I am. I am never alone. I know that if I am nothing else but a child of God that that is everything, and each day I am grateful to wake and have that knowledge of who I am.