12-17-10 Who Would I Be?

I’m not sure who’s familiar with the animated movie Joseph: King of Dreams, but I happen to really like it. There’s a particular scene where Joseph is thrown into prison after being accused of trying to seduce Potiphar’s wife, and a song comes on in the background while Joseph is alone for those 2 or 3 years in prison. I know that if I were Joseph, I would have been a bit bitter about my circumstances. After having fled from sin and wickedness he was thrown into prison for a crime he didn’t commit. And he didn’t just spend the night there – it was a couple years. I may have asked God a few hundred times why I was in there, why He would let me remain in there for so long cut off from the outside world and suffering for basically choosing to be righteous. I would have cried, “Why will you not deliver me?”

The song that comes on in the background says, “You know better than I. You know the way.” I had one of those moments of perfect clarity while watching that movie with Easton, a moment of understanding as to why the Lord doesn’t always deliver us from the painful trials we face. Had Joseph not been sold by his brothers, betrayed by those that were supposed to love him most, would he have gone on to become basically the one who saved Egypt? Had he not been thrown into prison for those years for a crime he didn’t commit, would he have been even half the man he was when he went on to prepare Egypt for the 7 years of famine? Would he have had the same strength of character, the same level of perseverance, the same relationship with God, the right amount of humility? I’m sure that when he sat in that prison, he had no idea who he would become or what purpose he would serve in the Lord’s plan. Who would we be if we were spared from our trials at first cry? I am the person I am today because of all that I have passed through, because of every trial that I was not immediately delivered from. Because of the opposition I received in joining the church. Because of the post-partum depression and anxiety that tormented me after Easton’s birth. Because of the husband that abandoned me, the dreams that I lost with him (even though new ones came with Jacob). I look at those things, each one deeply painful and seemingly unending, and I know that I wouldn’t give them back or trade them. It’s ludicrous to say that now because if you had asked me when I was in the midst of them I would have given my arms and legs to just be out of them. But I’ve learned compassion, I’ve learned charity, forgiveness, patience, gratitude, and I’ve learned to trust the He knows better than I, He knows the way.

I don’t know what the Lord has planned for me, but it has taken passing through the fire to come out purified and refined. It will take more fires and more purification processes, I’m sure, for me to accomplish all that he has in store for me. I like this quote by Mother Teresa : “I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.” :) I think we all feel that way.

I shared these thoughts with Jacob one night in bed, and tears came to my eyes as I truly felt immense gratitude for all the times that Heavenly Father has refrained from relieving His crying child because He knew better. I often felt alone and wondered secretly, “Don’t you care?” I am humbled to realize that I can’t even fathom that love that He has to not immediately deliver us from our trials. He has enough love to let us grow, and I thank Him for knowing better and for not caving to the pleas of a sobbing daughter. What pain He must feel when we just don’t understand. It’s just like when Teagan wakes up crying at night for a bottle, and I let him cry himself back to sleep because I know that it’s better for him to be able to sleep without a bottle and not be dependent on it. But my little Teagan just doesn’t understand, and I spend the night being torn between running to his side and giving the poor little weeping child whatever it is that he wants or letting him cry it out, letting him grow to what he needs to be. It’s not easy for either of us, even if my sweet Teagan thinks that I just don’t care. I’m grateful that I can be a mother and feel so many things that I’m sure Heavenly Father feels for His children except to the greatest degree since His love is without flaws or limits.

When I, like Joseph, am sitting in the prison of my trials, I’m certain that I can remember that song, “You know better than I. You know the way.” And I’ll say to myself, “Who would I be without this?”

“Like stones in a river we are tossed and turned, shaped until the edges are gone.”